The Alternative 90s, the AV Club’s Retrospective: 1995

I’ve been feeling the urge to resurrect this here blog for a little while now. It seems I have not added to it in over two years, and that was just a blip after a previous 3.5 year hiatus. But I have the urge to write, and recently said my final piece about sports. I can’t make any promises, but today’s the day to restart because I stumbled into some unfinished business, already made clear by the title of this post.

My kindle was stolen, and it took well over a year to get a replacement. I finally have, and the first book I started reading was something I already read in its entirety. Steven Hyden’s Whatever Happened To Alternative Nation? Accurately subtitled as “One man’s year-by-year journey into 90s rock.” All of these chapters were originally published on the AV club, but now only the first entry is available on their site, as far as I can tell. However, the rest has been republished as a kindle book for the low, low price of $2.99.

I have already written reaction pieces to part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, and part 5. These are meant to accompany the work written by Hyden, and to be clear I think this is a fantastic read. So ideally, find a way to get your hands on his work, then check out mine. And now, without further ado, 1995.

 

This blog stalled out for many personal and professional reasons around early 2011, which is somewhat aligned with when these articles were published. At the same time, I can see why I never made it past 1994. It’s facile to say that Cobain’s suicide marked the death of the alternative era. But as you’re about to see, 1995 is when the dirt started being poured on, and well, it’s not thrilling.

Hyden begins by bagging hard on a band I quite liked for a while, but never loved, York PA’s Live. In honesty I don’t think anyone ever loved this band. Their first full-length, Mental Jewelry, had something to it, despite them obviously taking themselves too seriously, and then Throwing Copper became a massive hit. Hyden lays out how all of that happened. And also how damning it can seem. Nobody is actively listening to these guys any longer.

For me, seeing them perform at the State Theater in Detroit on the Throwing Copper tour was what dulled my interest. Whatever magic they had did not translate to in-person performance, something most people who have experienced their shows agree upon. Has there ever been a more ironically named band?

This is all set up to greater tragedies. Hyden sets the scene:

1995 was a time when the superficial aesthetics of alternative music – down-tuned guitars, downbeat melodies, frowny-faced (but still telegenic) stars – had been fully absorbed by corporate star-markers, who set about flooding the market with high commercial bubble-grunge bands that took everything that seemed fresh just three years earlier out of context and straight into the meat grinder.

Yes, that’s a big ol’ yikes. I had previously complained that Hyden was not calling out warmed-over regurgitation like Collective Soul and Candlebox. Turns out he was waiting for this moment to lay the hammer down. Live was just the jumping-off point. At least they were a real band who made their own music, even if they got much bigger than they probably should have.

He then appropriately takes Bush for a ride, pointing out how blatantly, intentionally derivative their music was. He almost begrudgingly gives them credit for doing a smart job following the trends. It’s no surprise that we basically did not hear from them following the success of Sixteen Stone. There’s only so much to say about this album, but the point is it did sell over seven million copies worldwide. This comment is worth sharing:

There’s also the awful ballad “Glycerine,” a song I’ve always hated and occasionally slow-danced to.

In 1995 I spent my summer in London as part of a study abroad program. Bush was already getting very popular by the time I took off. Yet I did not hear any songs by Bush until I returned to college at the end of August, even though I was living in their hometown. The 1995 British version of alternative rock was still massively popular, and there was no shortage of single-named UK bands getting airplay constantly – Oasis, Pulp, Blur, Verve, Suede, just to name a few. But I imagine Gavin Rossdale could have walked down any street totally unnoticed in London then.

But there were darker things happening back home that I was blissfully unaware of, drinking my pints and eating my fish n chips.

Over the summer, a brassy Canadian had launched a seemingly benign salvo across the southern border, but little could anyone have predicted, “You Oughta Know” became the song of the summer. I don’t recall the first time its bratty tones reached my ears, but my “what is this mess?” reaction to hearing it caused a clear reaction from friends who said, “You haven’t heard this?” As Steven explains:

Even more than Sixteen Stone, Jagged Little Pill demonstrated that mainstream pop had assimilated the sound and feel of alt-rock and could now turn out artists that fit the mold without all the troublesome baggage of BS punk rock credibility.

Yeah, but 33 million copies. 33,000,000. Seriously, what the fuck? It turns out that this was far more craven exercise than Bush’s Nirvanization of their existing sound. As you may know, Alanis Morrissette was a failed pop-star in her home country. This, despite a juicy gig opening for Vanilla Ice on his tour.

It turns out, this was simply a pairing of Morrissette's vocal abilities with professional songwriter Glen Ballard who was already highly successful with Wilson Phillips among other achievements.

 I’ll let Steven explain:

In the aftermath of Pill’s incredible success, Morrissette and Ballard both spoke of having an instant creative connection, writing their first song together within minutes of meeting each other: “It was as simple as me picking up my guitar and hitting a couple of chords, and she would go ‘I like that,’ and she would hit a melody and I would hit it back to her,” Ballard recalled in an interview. Morrissette and Ballard worked quickly throughout the sessions for the record, spending no more than a day writing each track.

You don’t say…

We could belabor this, but I prefer to touch on something else that is a bit buried in this chapter, but perhaps more relevant. Hyden talks about Guided by Voices’ Alien Lanes, and how he evolved from largely grunge-centric, to focusing on more “college-friendly” music (my wording). The series is of course prioritizing the most popular music of the time, as one would expect.

But it got me thinking that I also had a very fortunate awakening. I was DJing at the campus radio station, WCBN. By rule, you had to spin freeform, which means drawing on all kinds of music genres. This opened my mind and ears up to an incredible spectrum of what music can be. While I never “walked away” from alternative music (I’m currently listening to Pearl Jam’s Vitalogy for some strange reason), I did walk all over, and truly embraced new opportunities.

Indeed in 1995 things were rapidly deteriorating. I don’t recall them getting much better, which means I go into 1996 with a bit of dread for what may be lurking there. But I will continue reading this 14-years later flashback of Hyden’s 14-years later flashback. Go get the book if you want to follow along.

Why Do We Hate Billy Joel?

This is as decent a summary as any. I'm in the 12%. I'm in all the other rows, too, actually.

On the Lollapalooza Lineup

One of the hardest things about living abroad is missing Chicago's amazing music scene. It's something that kind of hums in the background. I notice when I bother to think about it, but most of the time, I'm busy with other things and don't realize that nobody swings their tour this far south. But the Lollapalooza and Pitchfork festivals are big reminders that tend to stick out. Lolla just released their lineup, and here's how it looks.

Headliners are Eminmem, Foo Fighters, Coldplay, and Muse, none of which are exactly groundbreaking artists at this point. But let's run down the entire list, grouping (the bands I know) by category.

Washed up nostalgia acts: Big Audio Dynamite, Foo Fighters, Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley & Nas, The Cars, Ween, Flogging Molly

Foofy mainstream mediocrity: Coldplay, Muse, A Perfect Circle, Eminem

Lollapalooza meta nostalgia acts: My Morning Jacket, Cage the Elephant, The Kills

On the list of today's popular indie-rockers, but not exactly cutting edge. Also including bands you may like, but I would prefer to be at the snack bar: Mountain Goats, Black Lips, Bright Eyes, Arctic Monkeys, Best Coast

Interesting acts who most would pay to see play in a club: Rival Schools, Imelda May, Titus Andronicus, Deftones, Cee Lo Green, Explosions in the Sky, Ratatat, Crystal Castles, OK Go, Beirut

Desconozco - bands I know nothing about: A ton of others. And here's where the big problem lies. Obviously, I'm out of touch these days, but I'm not the only one. Over the last several years, Lollapalooza has demonstrated an inability to bring worthwhile acts to the side stages. My last time in town for the festival was 2008, and I discovered precisely three new worthwhile acts thanks to the festival. Contrast this with Pitchfork where pretty much every band on the lineup brings something interesting to the table. In sum, the festival has no street cred.

I'm fairly certain that even if I was in Chicago, I would definitely not be visiting Grant Park this time around. I mean seriously, Coldplay? That's actually a band that came to Argentina and I still didn't bother to see them. Would it be worth listening to their Joe Satriani-inspired fluffrock while getting jostled by sweaty masses that actually want to see Coldplay?

No thanks.

The 2008 Kaelin Award

The year was 2008. People actually seemed to care about what was going on in the world, taking its problems to heart and doing their part to speak out. Perhaps because the Bush administration was finally nearing its end and because we had an election that was as entertaining as it was important, the public gave a damn. Our usual contenders for this award, given to the most worthless publicity hound in the country, were barely heard from. Heck, Paris Hilton even did something remotely worthwhile, volleying back a mildly amusing video after John McCain tried to use her sullied name for his own political exploits. That left us facing the prospect of no valid Kaelin Award this year. Honestly, we would have been more than happy to take a year off. But just as the election seemed to protect us from vapid, self-serving media whores appearing on all of our favorite programs and being discussed at water coolers across the country, they provided us with our top two candidates anyway. Politicians had been universally absolved from winning the Kaelin, but we have no choice but to make an exception this year. Just for review, here is the award criteria:

The Kaelin is bestowed upon the individual who, having no discernible talent or ability, accomplishing nothing to society’s benefit, and lacking any connection to any true art form or even remotely positive endeavor has been nonetheless repeatedly shoved down our ever-loving throats. We didn’t ask for these people. They have been forced upon us. And no matter who we are, we have been unable to avoid their media blitzing.

I cannot think of anything that better embodies those ideals than the vice presidential candidacy of Sarah Louise Palin.Do I believe that Sarah Palin is truly worthless, along the lines of a Paris Hilton or Ashley Simpson? I don't know. She can apparently play the flute. Let's be honest - of course she is! Holed up in my Buenos Aires hotel, my only method for watching the Republican convention this year was on Fox News. After her "speech", an oratory which consisted entirely of reading invective and untruths written by other people, the right-wing cheerleaders eagerly declared, "A star is born." I realized it was Fox, but was still appalled by the fact that they found this person to be remotely presidential (or even vice-presidential). What followed was a media assault reminiscent of, well, the last eight years or so. Every day, someone new came around to defend her as "tough" or "a pit bull." Armed with ludicrous claims like "nobody knows more about special needs children than she does" and "her state is the closest to Russia, therefore she has a lot of experience with foreign policy," we were continually bombarded with the postulated image of a "hockey mom" who could soon run the entire country.This is a controversial choice to be sure. Normally, we have to endure birdbrained fools discussing their meaningless existence with Conan O'Brien and Harry Smith. Instead, we had agents of worthlessness discussing someone else's imbecilic existence for her. This is equally bad. Meanwhile, this hootenanny of a human being went around the country raising the collective level of hatred and animosity. Somehow she largely got away with it, believing even at the end that if she could have just been let off the leash a bit more, the Republicans would carry the day.

Thankfully, 55% of the American people weren't buying what Palin and her media cohorts were selling. But for six months, it was all Sarah, all the time. Like many of our candidates, this award isn't really her doing. None of our Kaelin winners get there on their own. Maybe she's not worthless. In the end, she did help keep John McCain from getting elected president. But in a weak year, you sometimes have to accept a flawed champion.
I leave you with the below salient commentary. This video that will surely make no sense in a few years, but for now, it does a fair job summing up the ridiculousness that was Sarah Palin, VP Candidate. NOTE - definitely not safe for work, or late at night with the lights off. This little lady may haunt your dreams.


Related posts:
The history of the Kaelin
Last year's Kaelin winner
A personal rant against the Palin nomination

This Week at the Movies

Sometimes we see a bounce in the level of filmgoing the week after the Oscars. People run out to see the latest lauded pictures. Slumdog Millionaire received a big boost, raking in 12.2 million bucks over the weekend. But have you seen the other top 9? My goodness. Here's the list:
Madea Goes to Jail
Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience
Taken
He's Just Not That Into You
Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Coraline
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Fired Up!

What the heck is going on in the USofA? Supposedly, Taken and Coraline are both worthwhile, but the rest is straight up crap. But that got me wondering. I remember a few years back that I ranted about the movie Wild Hogs making 40 million dollars at the box office in its opening weekend. Turns out, that was almost exactly the same time of year. So while Oscar wins may help the "champion" of the evening, it seems that hardly any other worthwhile films get the benefit. Last week, Scene Stealers unveiled a Top Ten Oscar Nominated Films that Didn't Win list. It's a thorough and quality effort, and almost shocking that the wide array of movies didn't get a single win. Look to the comments section for 14 more that were, perhaps unfairly, unrecognized. We'll cover The Wrestler in deep detail in the coming days, but Frost/Nixon may still be playing and plenty of others that didn't get a little statue. Go forth and represent the brainy folks. I know times are tough. Skip the popcorn or something.

2008 Kaelin Award Nominees - The Most Worthless People of the Year

Revealed to the public for the first time around a year ago, the Kaelin Award is bestowed annually on the individual who, having no discernible talent or ability, accomplishing nothing to society's benefit, and lacking any connection to a true art form or even remotely positive endeavor has been nonetheless repeatedly shoved down our throats. We didn't ask for these people. They have been forced upon us, and no matter how little media one chooses to consume, we have been unable to avoid their media blitzing. Last year was too close to call, so we had a vote before Heather Mills was declared the winner of the award. This year, please submit your comments in support of any candidate. Or feel free to offer up one that the committee may have overlooked.

Without any further ado, here are your 2008 candidates:

Kendra Wilkinson Reasons For: Is only famous for having had sex with an octogenarian in exchange for lavish gifts and television exposure. Is setting up for another reality show in which she likely talks audibly, sure to drop the intellectual abilities of any horny teenagers watching. Bothered to tell a gossip rag that she cheated on her octogenarian manfriend. Reasons Against: Schtupped an octogenarian at least a few times, which we're pretty sure is punishment enough. Her 15 minutes are likely expired.

Megan Fox Reasons For: Intentionally saying things that she probably doesn't mean, alternately claiming that she's a sex fiend, into girls, and that she thinks she's a "tranny, a man" that resembles Alan Alda. Reasons Against: Is insanely hot. Is relatively inoffensive and at least acts in movies, albeit not that well. Is insanely hot.

Ummmm. We don't see a resemblance here.

Drew Peterson Reasons For: Is only remotely known because he probably murdered two of his ex-wives. Went on Larry King Live, Studio B, Dateline NBC, and The Today Show just to draw attention to himself (sadly, opening the door for his governor to do the same). Is a complete and total scumbag. Reasons Against: Was just avoidable enough. I think.

Dane Cook Reasons For: Is somehow one of the most popular comedians in the country despite not being remotely funny. Gets to make out with women like Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson in impossibly horrible movies. Reasons Against: Technically has earned his fame. Still not sure why. Nobody has watched said movies.

Heidi Montag/Spencer Pratt Reasons For: Media whores who are pretty much defined by the award's descriptions above. Endorsed John McCain before switching to Obama. Reasons Against: I really don't know a whole lot about these people, so how throat-shoved can they be?

Joe the Plumber Reasons For: Not really a plumber. Not really a Joe! Plucked by the McCain campaign and then started showing up all over the damn place. Claimed a vote for Obama is a vote for the death of Israel. Thinks he belongs on television. Thinks anyone other than the McCain/Palin campaign gives a damn about what he thinks or says. Reasons Against: Has done most of his damage in 2009, for instance going to "report" on the Gaza Strip situation while claiming that reporters shouldn't be allowed to cover wars. Once again proved The Onion prescient.

Sarah Palin Reasons For: Plucked from obscurity by the McCain campaign, then utilized her time in the forefront to bash the following people and places: Community organizers, cities, people who live in cities, the media, Katie Couric, the government, liberals. Repeatedly winking during a vice-presidential debate. Refused to give a press conference. Can't freaking speak English. Over-Joed-it on the campaign trail. Reasons Against: Did very few interviews, which generally is the opposite of what we expect from one of these candidates (not to mention for vice presidential candidates) - really subpar for a Kaelin winner, even more subpar for a VP candidate. Turkey-slaughter video may have been her professional death knell (but probably not).

Elizabeth Hasselbeck Reasons For: Is sooooo self-assured in her religious and political proclamations. Hijacks the most mind-numbing show on television simply because she's the biggest imbecile there (surprisingly beating out Sherri Shepherd). Cried boo-hoo-hoo when she wasn't invited to the White House Christmas party. Reasons Against: Shouldn't she have won this a while ago, then? It's not like she's doing anything new. Still looks pretty good.

Sound off with your opinion on the most worthless person of the year in the comments section. Winner to be announce next Monday.

Proof That I Sometimes Know What I'm Talking About

About a year ago, I strongly cautioned everyone about seeing any movie intentionally named after a song. Despite my warnings, Lionsgate Films is spitting into the wind anyway. Not only that, they're doing it with Dane Cook. My Best Friend's Girl comes out on September 19th and, if Dane Cook wasn't enough to prove my theory infallibly accurate, have a look at this absolute monstrosity of a trailer:

Oh boy indeed, Mr. Cook.

Unyielding Commissioning Gets Serious

You gotta tell em! -- This coming Wednesday, the Chicago City Council is voting on a measure that would greatly affect the music scene here in town. Five years after the E2 crowd stampede tragedy, they are looking to impose financial and regulatory constraints on any independent promoter putting on a show in Chicago (not counting the largest, seat-laden venues). They have reportedly sought little input from the Chicago music community and while they are working from a well-intentioned point of view, their actions are hasty and carry with them potentially devastating effects on the music scene in our fair city. Greg Kot has a really solid post on his blog which sums up the whole thing pretty darn well. Money quote:

The new ordinance will cut down the number of such shows, and add to the financial burden already felt by one of this city’s most precious cultural resources: its music clubs.

Jim DeRogatis has also had several postings about this. Here, here, and here. So for once, Fighting the Youth is asking for something in return. Please contact your alderman and let him or her know that you oppose the ordinance and believe that there is a better way to ensure safety. Here is the note I wrote to mine:

I am writing to express my opposition to the proposed Promoter Ordinance, scheduled for a vote this Wednesday. The ordinance, while well-intentioned, has the potential to cause major harm to Chicago's music scene. If promoters are forced to incur these extra expenses, they will simply not bring their concerts to the city. Our music venues have an excellent track record of keeping their patrons safe whether a show is put on by an independent promoter or their regular partners. They have every incentive to continue doing that with or without this ordinance.

I grew up in this city, going to music performances whenever I could. I found my social niche in the process. I continue to frequent Chicago's music venues, taking in a show about once a week. It would be a shame if one of our city's great cultural resources were harmed due to hasty action, well-intentioned or not.

Click on this map to find your Alderman and his or her contact information. If you care about music in this city, I urge you to call or write in your feelings. Feel free to plagiarize me as necessary. Time is of the essence here with a vote coming this Wednesday.

UPDATE: DeRogatis has interviewed the spokeswoman for the Department of Business Affairs & Licensing on the issue. Click here to read the somewhat evasive and noncommittal answers to his questions. Again, please contact your alderman if you have not already done so.

EVEN MORE UPDATE: DeRogatis has now interviewed Alderman Eugene Schulter, chairman of the city licensing committee. Check it out here.

Off the soapbox -- We still gotta have some fun, here, right? Here's the ultimate nerdy movie list. The 8 Most Preposterous Movie Computer Moments. I don't know how the orange coming back at the end of Tron doesn't make the cut, but I like what they've done here.

Rock it out -- There's no ordinance yet! So anyone interested in checking out some good rawk can meet me tonight at Subterranean for Sybris, Bon Savants, and Apteka. See you there!

The 2007 Kaelin Award

The year was 2007. There were a lot of problems in the world, but despite that, nobody truly stepped up to take our minds off of them with totally meaningless coverage. Instead, the empty news of 2007 was handled by committee. We’ve already covered the leading candidates for Most Worthless Person of the Year. You all voted. It is time to bestow the ’07 Kaelin Award to our winner.

America, your voting ended in a tie between Howard K. Stern and Heather Mills, so we are forced to make a judge’s decision here. Because Stern sued Rita Cosby and did eventually fade into the woodwork after proven not to be Daniellynn’s father, we are giving him the benefit of the doubt, undeniably worthless though he is. Therefore, our final decision on Most Worthless ’07 lands on Heather Mills.

And speaking of judging, even though we’re well into 2008 now, just last week, the Mills/McCartney divorce went final, and in doing so unearthed a treasure trove of evidence of her further worthlessness. There’s no way we’re going to be able to cover all of it here because we don’t have time to delve into all the ample condemnation against her in the official verdict. But here are some of the highlights from that result and her other actions throughout the year.

• Claimed she was to give all of her Dancing with the B-Listers dough to charity, but it turns out she donated less than half of it
  
• Hinted that McCartney was behind death threats and claimed she contemplated suicide in a sympathy ploy
• Was told by the police to stop calling them with emergencies
• Complained that McCartney flies first class and is “forcing” his daughter to fly coach, while she did the exact same thing
• From the judge: “I am driven to the conclusion that much of her evidence, both written and oral, was not just inconsistent and inaccurate but also less than candid. Overall she was a less than impressive witness.”
• Compared herself to Princess Diana
• In dancing with the B-Listers, played a part in clearing the path for a Steve Guttenberg resurgence
• Dumped a pitcher of water over the head of McCartney’s attorney during the trial and then bragged to the media about having “baptized her" (Yes, this was in '08, so it shouldn't count, but we don't see her winning this year)
  
• Went on the telly to lie her good leg off and complain about media attention.

Warning, this is a lot to tolerate. You may want to skip these.



Mills is the weakest of Most Worthless winners we’ve ever had. She’s not selling anything to us, and she does do some charity work, making her something of a flawed champion. It’s hard to be truly worthless when you’d doing even a modicum of charity. But you can still be the most worthless. So Heather Mills, because you lied to everyone around, went on TV to play the shrill harpy and complain about having too much media coverage, and apparently are only concerned with your net worth, Heather Mills, we have no choice but to deem you the Most Worthless Person of the Year for 2007.

And this guy is really pissed off about the whole thing:

Kaelin Awards - 2007 Nominees

Yesterday we went through the brief history of past Kaelin Award winners. Because we have been out of touch with pretty much everything for the last five months, we are turning to you, the FtY reader to choose this year’s Most Worthless Person. We’ve narrowed the choices down to nine nominees. People not chosen: Britney Spears – we agree with that youtube lady. Leave the poor girl alone. Besides, she once stimulated the, um, economy and sold lots and lots of Pepsi to foreign markets. So she’s not worthless. Politicians – that’s an entirely different discussion, and generally they’re not shoved down our throats. American Idol – Desperately wanted to put Paula Abdul in the running, but realized that the chubby black guy was probably even more worthless. Then we just threw up our hands. Maybe next year you krazy karaoke kids.

The candidates:

Miss Teen South Carolina Reasons For: For a few weeks, her complete stupidity was big news. Reasons Against: At least she’s really hot. She appeared on only a handful of talk shows afterwards. AC Slater got some much needed screen time. Honestly, we just put her on here because we like maps. Nobody should vote for her. She's the Mike Gravel of Kaelin candidates.

Heather Mills Reasons For: Demanding copious amounts of money from a living Beatle despite only being married to him for a short while. Repeatedly calling the London police to the point where they forbade her from calling any more. Dancing with the B-listers. Going on television to ask the media to stop harassing her and calling her a peedophile. Having no discernable talent, which is kind of a biggie. Compared herself to Princess Diana. Has a funny accent. Squawky. Claims she's done nothing but charity for twenty years. Reasons Against: Outside of the whole dancing with B-listers gig, she hasn’t been shoved down our throats all that much, but might that be enough? She’s not trying to sell things or market them even though she’s been hard to avoid at the same time. Only has one leg. Has done nothing but charity for twenty years.

Kim Kardashian Reasons For: A late entrant into the mix, we don’t know all that much about her. But have a reality show named after you, and you’re going to be in the running. Only famous because of a sex tape and because of friendship with other rich socialites who’ve had sex tapes. The sex tape wasn’t very good (we’ve heard). Appeared nude in Playboy. Reasons Against: We hate to be redundant, and she’s not covering any new ground that Paris didn’t hit two years ago. But Paris two years ago was kind of like the ’96 Chicago Bulls. It’s unfair for someone to have to reach that bar. Appeared nude in Playboy.

Howard K. Stern Reasons For: The K Man, if you’re unaware of his presence, was Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyer and hands down the most despicable Howard Stern we’ve had the displeasure of knowing. A fixture on Smith's reality show, he really took things up a notch when he kinda-sorta married her and then claimed to have fathered her child heir, even though it was pretty clear that he wasn’t one of the sperm donors in the running. Conspiracy theorists believe he drugged both Smith and her adult son. For a while he was trying to capitalize on his celebrity. Reasons Against: Sued Rita Cosby. Beyond that, we haven’t heard much about or from him since August or so. Really, that's the nicest thing we can say about the guy.

Sherri Shepherd Reasons For: Somehow got a sweet gig as co-host of The View even though few people had ever heard of her. Apparently Whoopi wasn’t girthy enough to fill the hole left vacant by departing Star Jones. At one point was unsure if the world was flat, claiming that taking care of her child was the only thing on her mind. Is awfully confused about Jesus. Still kicking around on that damn show. Makes Elisabeth Hasselbeck appear sane by comparison. Reasons Against: Isn’t really trying to sell anything else – yet. Likely in for a very strong ’08.

Anyone from The Hills Reasons For: We haven’t ever seen this show or really know much of anything about it. Our understanding is that it’s a pseudo-reality show where things are kind of scripted, kind of not, and everyone is slutty and beautiful. Whenever a celebrity gets mentioned somewhere and we don’t know who they are, they invariably came from this show. Reasons Against: Nobody gives a damn about The Hills. Or do they? We really have no idea. Is this on Bravo or A&E?

Paris Hilton Reasons For: Made her biggest news when she was forced to go to jail. Then set free by the warden. Then had to go back. Then cried and cried and cried and cried. Poor Paris. Was eventually let go early one evening via obviously staged runway walk to her mom’s car. Another horrendous Letterman appearance followed a totally mendacious Larry King interview. Trying to sell us her clothes with no sense of irony about how she became famous in the first place. Trying to sell us perfume. Reasons Against: Already won this award once, and didn’t top her performance from that year, though that would be a challenge. Got what she deserved on Letterman. We just don’t give a crap anymore.

New York Reasons For: Anyone who made a name for themselves on Flavor of Love really doesn’t deserve to have more attention tossed their way. Is totally insane. Has the most annoying voice on television since Rita Cosby. Reasons Against: Is totally insane. Has the craziest mom on the planet which is probably punishment enough. We’ll likely never hear from her again. Right? I mean, she’s done, right? Please say she’s done. Seriously, we're not even linking to anything.

Tila Tequila Reasons For: Um, ok, so we don’t really know who this is. She’s got a show that’s like a cross between The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, and Rock of Love, right? Aside from the moments when someone says, “Diabeetus,” all those shows are played out. Reasons Against: Did we mention that we have no remote idea who this person is? She seems cute enough.

So there you have it. The nominees for the 2008 Kaelin Award. You decide, America. Vote at the top right of this page. Remember the criteria. We are looking for the person who has no discernible talent or contributions to society at large. They must also be shoved down our throats repeatedly.

Write-in candidates can be submitted in the comments section. We'd like more men in this list, but couldn't think of any. They must be out there. Polls close on Sunday, January 27th. We’ll announce the winner on Monday the 28th. Thanks for your help in this important decision!

The Kaelins - Recent History

We generally don’t present awards here at FtY, but one has been determined in secret over the last few years. It has always been a behind-closed-doors type of thing, something that we fear publicizing because we suddenly become part of the problem. The award in question? The Most Worthless Person of the Year, aka the Kaelin. The Kaelin is bestowed upon the individual who, having no discernible talent or ability, accomplishing nothing to society’s benefit, and lacking any connection to any true art form or even remotely positive endeavor has been nonetheless repeatedly shoved down our ever-loving throats. We didn’t ask for these people. They have been forced upon us. And no matter who we are, we have been unable to avoid their media blitzing.

Individuals who have learned of the previous winners have convinced us to go public with this year’s victor. Despite our initial protests, we have succumbed to the pressure and will come to our current champion of mediocrity soon. But first, let’s take a trip down memory lane as we make public our previous most worthless peoples of the year.

The year was 2004. America was at war in Iraq for reasons that ranged from unclear to murky. Young people tuned in to MTV to escape from reality, turning instead to reality television. Among the network’s hits were Laguna Beach, The Surreal Life, and a show called Newlyweds, featuring the comic stylings of the hot and vapid Jessica Simpson. The somewhat lesser known spinoff starred and was named for her sister, Ashlee Simpson. Throughout the year, Ashlee was shoved down our throats like so much prozac. Despite having no hit single and a complete lack of vocal talent, she trotted herself out on Saturday Night Live, but forgot about the whole “live” part. When her vocal tracks snagged, a la Milli Vanilli, instead of rolling with it, she danced like a brainless marionette and then removed herself from the stage. Afterward, she cowardly blamed her band. Despite this debacle, she was completely forgiven in the press and furthermore was awarded a primo gig playing halftime of the BCS title game. Perhaps you remember how that went. No lip-synching involved there. After being justifiably booed off the stage, she later blamed Oklahoma fans, stating that they were upset because their team was losing. For being a talentless, self-centered, imbecile who we couldn’t seem to avoid no matter how hard we tried, even though her only accomplishment was having a hot, stupid sister, Ashlee Simpson, we awarded you the inaugural Kaelin Award.

The year was 2005. America was at war in Iraq for reasons that remained unclear. Young people were busy gussying up their myspace pages and moved past reality TV for the time being. Meanwhile a young socialite was embarking on her biggest media blitz to date. Paris Hilton, a woman who first gained national recognition for fellating Shannen Doherty’s husband while being filmed by G.I. Joe’s Snake Eyes, went on to star in reality show, The Surreal Life. But in 2005, Paris made serious attempts to go legit, making cameos in House Of Wax, American Dreams, and of course another sex tape. A burger/car wash ad ruffled conservative feathers, but only served to prove her lack of talent. She also put out an album so terrible, it received no airplay and sold only a handful of copies. Despite all this intrinsic failure, she appeared on Leno, Letterman, Tony Danza, and the morning shows a combined 13 times with nothing to say on any of them. For being a vapid imbecile with only one proven talent, yet still being shoved down our throats (yes, I fully grasp the irony), Paris Hilton, we awarded you the 2005 Kaelin Award.

The year was 2006. America was at war in Iraq for pseudo reasons that no one could even be bothered to remember anymore. Britney Spears had shocked the world by marrying long time friend Jason Alexander in a Vegas quickie ceremony. That marriage was immediately annulled so Britney could move on to greener pastures. Kevin Federline, a dancer from her stage show proved to be those pastures. Rampant mocking across the globe followed, but Britney and Kevin seemed happy enough, even displaying some of their more private moments for a reality mini-series, “Britney and Kevin.” Babies were born. But in 2006, someone decided that K-Fed would become the breadwinner and a household name. Nearly every night, pseudo-legitimate news programs treated this disheveled, tank-top wearing goof to serious coverage, with his airtime ramping up upon the release of his album, Playing with Fire. Primo appearances followed, including a gig at the teen choice awards. As if we couldn’t sink any lower, America. Despite nearly saving yourself with a brilliant self-effacing commercial for nationwide insurance, for being an incredibly fertile, yet moronic, jive-talking idiot who was repeatedly shoved down our throats, Kevin Federline, we had no choice but to award you the 2006 Kaelin Award.

Tomorrow, we will cover the leading candidates for the 2007 Kaelins. We of course have plenty to choose from. Being worthless has never been more popular.

Movierules #16: Movies Named After Song Titles

This feature now has an updated (and hopefully improved?) version at the always excellent Scene Stealers. So check that out when you can!

People often come up with rules of self-protection when it comes to which movies they’ll watch. For instance, John Campena over at The Movie Blog says to avoid any direct-to-DVD release featuring name stars. There are other rules that everyone seems to know: No sequels with different actors (Robocop 3!). No movies based on video games (Super Mario Bros!). Brian DePalma movies are always worse than you think they’re going to be (Snake Eyes!).

I have a new one for you – one you probably haven’t thought of. Beware the movie titled after a popular song. There are some technicalities to consider here. The song in question can’t be released in association with the movie (In the Heat of the Night). If the movie just happens to have the same name as the song, but the two are clearly totally unrelated it does not qualify (American Psycho is a superb Misfits track, but is not featured in the movie and not popular enough to be well known by the film’s audience). Finally, if the movie is named after an event or issue that the song also just happens to reference, it does not qualify (Bloody Sunday features the U2 song, Sunday, Bloody Sunday, but both are in reference to the same historic occurrence). The following examples come to mind:

Dead Man’s CurveThe Song: Looking through their discography, you forget how many hits Jan & Dean managed. This song was one of their top three – a somewhat tongue in cheek warning about street racing. The song became ironically tragic when Jan Berry sustained brain damage from an accident very near the curve they wrote the song about.

The Film: Not to be confused with the Mark-Paul Gosselaar vehicle, Dead Man on Campus, this 1998 release featured soon to be stars Keri Russell, Michael Vartan, and Matthew Lillard. It uses the age old urban legend that if your collegiate roommate commits suicide, you get a 4.0. There are various roommates and boyfriends and girlfriends who continually try to off each other (while making it look like a suicide) to garner a 4.0. I haven’t seen it in a long time, but it’s one of those movies where there are so many random twists, you’re sure they made it up as they went along. The video title was shortened to “The Curve” either to avoid being mentioned in this blog posting or because they wanted people to think it was a different movie than the one that got a 0% on the Tomatometer.

The Connection: Much like the plot, I assume the title was determined after they were already well into the process. The only soundtrack produced was for the score, but this phrase has always come from the hit song. Avoid this movie.

Down to EarthThe Song: The title track from Stevie Wonder’s 1966 album, this is not one of his most memorable hits. Stevie was only sixteen when it was released and went on to more renowned work soon thereafter. However, it’s a fine tune and one of many that drew attention to Wonder at a young age.

The Film: When is Chris Rock going to make another good movie? I say “another” because I found CB4 to be hilarious despite its consistent nonsense. This remake of Heaven Can Wait (which itself is a remake of Here Comes Mr. Jordan) is a poorly done comedy about a standup comedian who is incorrectly killed off by bumbling angel Eugene Levy. Because it’s not his time yet, he is sent back to earth in the body of a fat, rich, white dude. There’s potential here, but all the comedic scenes are horribly misplayed. Hence the 5.0 IMDb rating and 18% Tomatometer.

The Connection: Are we sure they named this movie after the song? The working title was “I Was Made to Love Her”, a far more famous Stevie Wonder song from the same era. Furthermore, check out the opening lyrics of the song: “Down to earth, once again. I’ve been away to long. I got lost but then, I came home again. Home where I belong.” Apparently, these lyrics fit better. The Stevie song they chose for the soundtrack, however, is “Uptight.” Go figure. Avoid this movie.

Can’t Buy Me LoveThe Song: Do I really have to go into detail here? Huge hit for the Beatles from their 1964 album, A Hard Day’s Night. The song is superb.

The Film: Patrick Dempsey is a lawn-mowing nerd who pays a popular cheerleader (Amanda Peterson) one thousand dollars to be his girlfriend for a month, hoping that it will make him more popular. It works, he shits on his best friend’s house and generally starts acting like a jerk. However, in a drunken tirade calling out her friends, Peterson reveals their contract and Dempsey finds himself even less popular than before. His former best friend finally decides to sit with him at lunch leading to one of the football players being decked. What follows is the worst slow-clap in the history of cinema. I know people who claim to love this movie, but I have to believe they haven’t seen it in a while. The IMDb rating is a not horrendous 6.2 (38% Tomatometer). I have to believe people are rating this based on a nostalgic remembrance of how good they thought it must have been. It’s horribly acted and totally inane. Here’s one sentence from Ebert’s review: “It doesn't have a thought in its head and probably no notion of the corruption at its core.” Seriously, it’s going to take me months to get over that slow clap.

The Connection: Well, if it wasn’t obvious already, the song is played over the opening credits. So there you go. More dough for Michael Jackson. Avoid this movie unless you want your nostalgia ruined.

Love Don’t Cost a ThingThe Song: A huge hit for J-Lo and the opening track from her 2001 album, J.Lo.

The Film: This is a 2003 remake of Can’t Buy Me Love. Same premise as above, except this time, the cheerleader in question actually needs the cash because she wrecked her car. Oh, and everyone’s black. I haven’t seen this one and don’t plan to, but its 4.4 IMDb rating and 13% Tomatometer speak volumes. I don’t have much else to say here.

The Connection: OK, so it’s a remake of a vapid movie based on a song. But rather than use the same song again, they obviously should tailor it to their new audience so they use a more current song recorded by a Puerto Rican. Hey, it’s closer than four white guys from Liverpool. Avoid this movie.

Let’s Talk About Sex
The Song: After two albums, it appeared that Salt-N-Pepa were likely to end up one-hit-wonders. Their first single, “Push It,” was a huge success, but their next release flopped. Their third album made them stars, and the biggest hit on the album was “Let’s Talk About Sex.” The lyrics don’t seem the least bit provocative now, but in 1990, they apparently were.

The Film: Troy Beyer was a moderately successful actress, probably best known for her recurring role on Dynasty as Jackie Deveraux. Let’s Talk About Sex was her directorial debut and got a fair amount of indie attention when it was released, partly thanks to the racy posters featuring her and the other two female leads. I’ve seen this movie, and it has all the pitfalls of a lousy indie film: forced drama, insipid characters, and too many goofy situations. Apparently people agree with me because its IMDb rating (3.7) is just as bad as its Tomatometer (15%). Furthermore, they’ve only let Beyer direct one more film – the aforementioned Love Don’t Cost a Thing.

The Connection: I’m guessing they couldn’t get it on the soundtrack, but the song was such a hit, it was still in rotation on mainstream radio at the time. It’s clear they were trying to gain name recognition. Avoid this movie.

Fools Rush In
The Song: Um, have you heard of Elvis Presley? He’s, like, famous and stuff. And this is one of his most famous songs. Except it’s called “Can’t Help Falling in Love.”

The Film: I get all those Matthew Perry movies from the height of his Chandler Bing era confused. This is the one where he marries Salma Hayek after a one night stand results in her being preggers. Not the one where he pretends to be gay, and not the one where he is Bruce Willis’ next door neighbor. Unfortunately, because those all seem like one big lousy movie to me, I can’t remember too many specific things about this one. I think Hayek’s family gets really mad at her for marrying a gringo, especially since it was done hastily. Tomatometer says 35%.

The Connection: What a dumb name for a movie. The Elvis song in question is on the soundtrack as well as two of his other big hits. Avoid this movie. Avoid those other Chandler Bing pictures as well.

Happy Together
The Song: Far and away the biggest hit for The Turtles, junior high kids all across the country have performed this tune on talent night since it was released in 1967.

The Film: Due to a glitch in the campus housing assignments, aspiring writer and incoming freshman Patrick Dempsey is assigned to room with a boisterous female played by Helen Slater. I believe she’s a theater major, or at least intends to act as silly and outlandish as possible – partly to needle Dempsey. Dempsey is irate at the situation, particularly when Slater brings Brad Pitt (in his big screen debut) home to spend the night. Eventually, they find a way to manage, then find a way to screw, then find a way to fall in love. One could say they become Happy Together. Ugh, is this an awful film. In college, we had a TV, but no channels and a housemate bought this one from the cheap rack. It was one of nine videos we had on hand, so it played often. It’s one of those movies that is so bad it’s almost funny. But not quite. I’ll never be able to scrub this one from my memory.

The Connection: The song is on the soundtrack and pretty much rammed down your throat during a ridiculous montage. Even if you only have eight other videos and you’ve seen Aladdin and When Harry Met Sally a collective 86 times, avoid this movie. At least watch The Empire Strikes Back video taped off the television w/ commercials included so it ran out of time and doesn’t have the ending.

Jumpin Jack Flash
The Song: Huge hit for the Rolling Stones. You know it. It’s a gasgasgas.

The Film: I know hardly anything about this movie. I just know that my buddy Rob despises it more than any other movie he’s seen. I also know that Whoopi’s in it which is enough to keep me away (and a 28% on the Tomatometer doesn’t help).

The Connection: Rob says the song is on the soundtrack and that makes him angrier than anything. Rob also says to avoid this movie. I trust his judgment.

Save the Last Dance
The Song: The Drifters were one of the most popular acts in the country in the late 1950s and early 1960s. “Save the Last Dance for Me” was the title track of their third release and one of their biggest hits. It may well be their best song as well.

The Film: Julia Stiles moves to a rough part of Chicago where she encounters black people. She dances with them, dates one, and they all sort out their differences. There’s a lot of dancing and fighting. Then she gets into the Juliard school of dance – or something equally prestigious. I’m sorry I can’t recall more info for you. Since Julia Stiles is involved, you already know the acting is terrible. Also, I was really bored. There are very few scenes where anything important happens. I think in the end Julia and her boyfriend have sex, but nobody makes any jungle fever jokes.

The Connection: The only way this title makes any sense at all is if they’re referencing the song. There’s nothing in the movie about saving dances or the last dance. I do think they should have called this “Dirty Dancing 2: Dancing in the Streets.” It still would have been named after a song, and not made any damn sense, but at least people would have known what to expect: A movie that you should avoid.

Some Kind of Wonderful
The Song: It’s The Drifters again. I’m telling you, you don’t realize how many hits these guys had. It was also covered by Carole King and Marvin Gaye. The phrase is also mentioned in Marvin Gaye’s “Too Busy Thinkin’ About My Baby.” However, there’s a completely different version recorded by Grand Funk Railroad. These days, I’m guessing that’s the one people think of when they hear the phrase. At any rate, there are many options.

The Film: Mary Stuart Masterson is a tomboy and Eric Stoltz is her best friend. He has a crush on the popular girl played by Lea Thompson, but Stoltz and Masterson don’t have the cash or clothes of the in-crowd people. Eventually, Masterson and Stoltz end up together. As you may have guessed, John Hughes wrote this film. I found this movie to be an obvious, paint-by-numbers Hughes flick without any of the creativity found in Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller, or Vacation. However, it’s cruising along with a 76% Tomatometer. Perhaps I need to revisit this one.

The Connection: There’s no clear reference to either version of the song. Maybe that’s why the ratings are higher? Still, I can’t see how this title would make any sense without referencing one of them. Based on my personal recollections of this film, I say avoid it and watch a good John Hughes movie.

Soul Man
The Song: Sam and Dave’s biggest hit, the tune was also borrowed by The Blues Brothers and used in their movie.

The Film: C Thomas Howell has the grades to get into Harvard Law School, but not the cash. He finds a scholarship for African American students and by putting on a bad wig and overusing tanning pills, he manages to win the scholarship under false pretenses. However, he’s really bad at basketball! Will anyone discover his ruse? He falls for Rae Dawn Chong, and I think eventually gets in trouble, but I can’t really remember. A 0% Tomatometer sums it up better than I can. Howell and Chong later married in real life, so at least something good came of this.

The Connection: I have no idea if it was on the soundtrack, but I’m guessing it was. Even though James Earl Jones is in it, avoid this movie.

Sweet Home Alabama
The Song: Lynyrd Skynyrd’s most popular song was made in response to Neil Young’s “Southern Man.” It is without question the most ubiquitous “southern rock” song ever made.

The Film: After establishing herself as a New York City socialite, Reese Witherspoon goes back home to Alabama for some reason or another. She still has a husband there she never divorced. Later, her current fiancé, Patrick Dempsey, follows her to find out what’s taking so long. She ends up with the original husband all over again. I can’t remember more of the details because this was one of the most boring movies I’ve seen in recent years. The Tomatometer agrees, chiming in at 38%.

The Connection: The term “Sweet Home Alabama” is meaningless without the song. If the song were never made, this movie probably would have been called “War Eagle!” It’s on the soundtrack, but by a band called Cornbread, not Skynyrd. Avoid this movie.

A Thin Line Between Love and Hate
The Song: The Persuaders were a 1970s R&B outfit and their biggest hit was “Thin Line Between Love and Hate.” In the same style as The Delfonics’ “Didn’t I Blow Your Mind This Time,” it topped the R&B charts in 1971 and went gold.

The Film: Honestly, I don’t know a damn thing about this movie beyond the fact that Martin Lawrence wrote, directed, and starred in it. Apparently he’s some sort of player and one of his conquests gets cross with him and then gets even. IMDb 4.4, Tomatometer 13%. Nuff said.

The Connection: Though this could have been a feasible title without any connection, the song appears on the soundtrack. However, it’s recorded by H-Town – whoever that is. Avoid this movie.

What a Girl Wants
The Song: Christina Aguilera’s second single from her debut album is the one that made her a huge star. You’ve heard it a million times, so I don’t have to go into detail here. It is catchy and annoying.

The Film: A remake of 1958’s The Reluctant Debutant, this 2003 movie stars Amanda Bynes as an American teen who finds out that her father is a British politician. She goes to England to meet him, but they must remain secretive about their connection or he will likely lose the election. I haven’t seen this movie, nor do I plan to. Tomatometer sez 35%.

The Connection: While it doesn’t appear on the soundtrack, how the hell else would they have come up with this name? Avoid this movie.

Loverboy
The Song: People forget just how big Billy Ocean was in the mid 80s. This was one of the big singles from his breakthrough album, Suddenly.

The Film: Patrick Dempsey is a young pizza delivery man who, in addition to delivering pizzas, delivers love and romance to a series of older women. Compounding the significant problem that most of these women are married, he has to keep his life as a male prostitute hidden from his girlfriend and parents. When his mother orders his “services”, he realizes he must put an end to his lascivious behavior, but not before all the husbands figure out what’s going on and try to dole out some mob justice upon his face. Vic Tayback steals the show as lead angry husband. I can’t really remember how it ends, but I think the husbands learn their lesson and start treating their wives better. And Dempsey goes back to college. The movie starts off OK, but quickly degenerates into nonsense, hence the 44% Tomatometer rating.

The Connection: Perhaps this is a bit of a reach – they could have named the film Loverboy if this song had never existed. But it was such a gigantic hit, they must have known people would make an association. Avoid this movie.


Addicted to Love
The Song: Robert Palmer enjoyed a long career, putting out albums for thirty years. Far and away his greatest success, “Addicted to Love” was a smash hit, largely thanks to a video featuring five sleek models clad in black and pretending to play instruments.

The Film: Oooh boy is this a stinker. Matthew Broderick’s girlfriend leaves him for a chef. Broderick decides to move in next door to the chef’s apartment and spies on their “activities.” Meg Ryan is the chef’s former girlfriend. She and Broderick team up to try to split up the new, happy couple. Wouldn’t you know it, they fall in love. The plot is totally inane and all of the characters are complete idiots. Aside from that, it’s really boring.

The Connection: I think it’s fair to say that none of the characters in the movie are actually addicted to love. Broderick is addicted to pain. Ryan is addicted to revenge. The other two lovers just seem happy together. The title was clearly chosen because there was nothing else to call this dumb piece of nonsense, so they named it after a song. Avoid this movie.

Exceptions
Yes, there are some exceptions to this rule. La Bamba, Walk the Line, Boys Don’t Cry, and Lean On Me are all at least very good, if not excellent. However, you will notice that all of these movies have something in common. They’re all biopics. So if the movie named after a song happens to be a biopic, the rule no longer applies.

The only true exception to this rule is Stand By Me, which is not a biopic, is clearly named after the song, and is an excellent movie. I have no explanation for this, but you will notice that in this case, the title would have worked even if the song didn’t exist (though it wouldn’t have been as catchy). Do not avoid this movie.

Here’s a list of some other films that you should avoid because they’re named after songs and not any good. Guess which one Patrick Dempsey is in:

Movie	IMDb Rating	Tomatometer
Girls Just Want to Have Fun	5.4	33
Feeling Minnesota	5.2	17
Material Girls	2.4	5
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band	3.6	25
Eve of Destruction	4.5	0
Something to Talk About	5.4	35
Bye Bye, Love	5.8	16
In the Mood	5.8	60
Jersey Girl	6.3	42
Love Potion #9	5.2	27
Wedding Bell Blues	4.9	40

So when Superbad doesn’t live up to your expectations, remember that it’s named after a kickass James Brown tune and you should have known better.

I'm sick of all the new gameshows

It seems like the hip thing to complain about is how “our” children are overstimulated because commercials and MTV and children’s programming is constantly sending faster and snappier imagery at them. This certainly may be true in many cases. But then how does one explain what’s going on in the world of gameshows? When I was a kid, we watched fast-paced gameshows like Tic-Tac-Dough, Press Your Luck, and the $25,000 Pyramid. But nowadays, everything has slowed down. Yes, Jeopardy is still on, and Alex Trebek is still proud to have all the answers -er- questions – whatever. It is a show that rewards knowledge and cleverness. But beyond that, the current spate of offerings are clearly designed for those without the capacity for intellectual thought.

I was shocked to flip on NBC to discover that Deal or No Deal was still on the air. My friends tell me that it continues to be a huge hit. Now I realize that those women holding briefcases are attractive. But the attention span required to watch such a program is longer than that of the average giant sloth. Note that this is roughly six times the length of the typical Howie Mandel fan. I’m astounded that anyone is tuning into see this. The only way I can see that this differs from Let’s Make a Deal with Monty Hall is that the people are not in fun costumes, and there is no boobie prize like a bunch of goats. Yet the show presses on with others following in its wake. We have 1 vs 100 w/ Bob Saget, Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader? with Jeff Foxworthy, and finally National Bingo Night with some guy from that extreme home makeover show. What happened to someone earning their money? There has been a very quick devolution from Who Wants to be a Millionaire, which was kind of perfect in that there were easy questions for kids and morons, but things also ramped up to a more challenging level. From there, The Weakest Link took over as the most popular game show. Speed and strategy were key, but knowing anything at all was really not rewarded. In fact, it only increased your odds of getting booted off the show. Being smart resulted in punishment. It was like 3rd grade all over again.

Which brings me to Mr. Foxworthy’s show. When I heard the premise – adults trying to match 10 year olds question for question, I was somewhat intrigued. I figured they had some genius kids that were Ken Jenningses just waiting to happen. Alas, on a good day, this show only covers ten questions, all of which are pretty much common sense or at least common knowledge. The “charm” of the program is that the kids are really cheeky and Foxworthy insults the contestants. Which, it turns out, is the real point of all these shows: Humiliation.

See, when Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, and their ilk had finally gone through every last way you could subject people to public embarrassment, the networks realized that they had to shift gears. We’d seen enough preteen prostitutes and incestuous brawlers to last a lifetime. But the public’s lust for the shaming of their fellow man is a beast not easily satiated. When Chase Sampson missed the first question on Millionaire, it was bigger news than when someone actually won the top prize. Poor Chase arrived a college student dressed in a suit and tie only to leave feeling like the idiot of the year. Immediately after that, we were given a show where an androgynous Brit shrieks at contestants, “You are the weakest link!” So now when a guy goes on Deal or No Deal and blows an offer of 40,000 bucks because he has no capacity for math – in front of his friends and family no less (who, incidentally also have no capacity for math), we’re supposed to be entertained.

However, we’re really just laughing at ourselves. I started by complaining about the ridiculously slow pace of these shows. Someone has been good enough to prove my point for me. They boiled down an hour episode to two minutes and 46 seconds of action. Check it out.

So we are left with people who have come on a TV show to win money, only to find themselves ridiculed. While the people watching at home are proving their own lack of intellect by sitting still for a full hour, waiting to solely see how the contestant blows it. That must be why they're watching because it's clear that there is little other action. It' s a sorry state of affairs. Wink Martindale, where have you gone?

Even Unyielding Commissioning has its limits

Across this line, you do not… I took in Andrew Bird’s performance at Lollapalooza last summer and came away thoroughly entertained. What he does live can only be characterized as impressive. Given that his new album is superb as well, I sure as hell want to see him play at the Riviera on April 20th. In order to get the tickets at face value, I figured I would swing by their box office and pick them up for me and some friends. Of course, the place was totally deserted. “Well,” I reckoned, “I’ll just have to go through Ticketmaster.” I know that Ticketmaster is a ripoff, but since there appeared to be no other way to procure tickets, we all agreed it was the best way to go.

I had no idea what I was in for. The face value of the tickets is $21.50 each. That’s what it says on Ticketmaster’s website. Added to that is a $1 “facilities” fee. That’s cool, I can deal with that, and I suppose that would apply even if they did have a box office. However, once you choose the tickets, there is a $7 “convenience” fee per ticket. Now, that is highway robbery, but I definitely expected it. I decided to ensure entry into the show, it was worth spending 29.50 on something that was inherently worth 21.50. However, after you place your order, you are taken to checkout where you also get to spend an additional $1.12 on tax. Tax?!!?! Since when do you have to pay tax on a concert ticket??? This is unheard of. But what really made this a bridge too far was the fact that after their seven dollar upcharge, they add on $5.05 in “Order Processing Charge.” Five Freaking Dollars. To pay their computer’s electric bill? That was too much. If you are ordering only one ticket, the upcharge (not counting the facilities fee) is 57%. Fifty-seven point four percent!! That is rotten.

I recall when Pearl Jam brought suit against Ticketmaster for non-competitive, monopolistic behavior, the company’s main defense was that you can always just purchase the tickets at the box office. Well, if you call the Riviera, towards the end of their lengthy recorded message, they state that you can only purchase tickets at the box office for shows going on that evening. But what if this is a concert that is sure to sell out? You will never have the opportunity to buy tickets from the box office because by the time the box office opens, all those tickets will be long gone. I’m no class action attorney, but this seems illegal to me.

In any event, my conscience won’t willfully let me pay to be ripped off by a company whose job is to rip people off. That would just be dumb. So I’m going to have to take my chances that Andrew Bird isn’t quite popular enough to sell out the Riv ahead of time. If we all band together, people, perhaps we can put a stop to this egregious price gouging. Needless to say, I’m pretty much done with the Riv if I can help it. They should at least have a box office at one of their affiliate theaters (that’s what the Congress Theater does). If the show sells out and I miss it, will I blame myself? Hell no – I have principles, even if I cost myself a good time in standing by them.

A real scoop! Speaking of Pearl Jam, they are headlining Lollapalooza in Grant Park this year. I’m not a huge Pearl Jam fan, but there are going to be another 150 bands, so I’m sure there will be plenty of rawkin' goodness. In fact, an “inside source” has informed me that Sileversun Pickups will be playing as well. No, I’m afraid I can’t name my source – you’ll just have to trust me. Reporters have to protect their sources, yaknow, so I assume bloggers have to as well. But they will be there. This does strike me as confiential information. Was I supposed to keep that to myself? If so, then I’m a dick, but a dick with scoop! In any event, tickets are 165 with no processing, shipping or “convenience” fees. I recommend getting yourself one before the prices go up. The full lineup will be announced on April 12.

That other fest. Pitchfork tickets are on sale as well. Some bands have been named, but none of them so far have really gotten me excited. That said, last year they ended up with an extremely impressive lineup, so I am hopeful for the acts yet to be named. I recommend attending this as well. Besides, it's only fifty bucks for three days. What a bargain!

Here there be tygers.

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