Monday, February 2, 2009

2008 Kaelin Award Nominees - The Most Worthless People of the Year

Revealed to the public for the first time around a year ago, the Kaelin Award is bestowed annually on the individual who, having no discernible talent or ability, accomplishing nothing to society's benefit, and lacking any connection to a true art form or even remotely positive endeavor has been nonetheless repeatedly shoved down our throats. We didn't ask for these people. They have been forced upon us, and no matter how little media one chooses to consume, we have been unable to avoid their media blitzing. Last year was too close to call, so we had a vote before Heather Mills was declared the winner of the award. This year, please submit your comments in support of any candidate. Or feel free to offer up one that the committee may have overlooked.

Without any further ado, here are your 2008 candidates:

Kendra Wilkinson Reasons For: Is only famous for having had sex with an octogenarian in exchange for lavish gifts and television exposure. Is setting up for another reality show in which she likely talks audibly, sure to drop the intellectual abilities of any horny teenagers watching. Bothered to tell a gossip rag that she cheated on her octogenarian manfriend. Reasons Against: Schtupped an octogenarian at least a few times, which we're pretty sure is punishment enough. Her 15 minutes are likely expired.

Megan Fox Reasons For: Intentionally saying things that she probably doesn't mean, alternately claiming that she's a sex fiend, into girls, and that she thinks she's a "tranny, a man" that resembles Alan Alda. Reasons Against: Is insanely hot. Is relatively inoffensive and at least acts in movies, albeit not that well. Is insanely hot.

Ummmm. We don't see a resemblance here.

Drew Peterson Reasons For: Is only remotely known because he probably murdered two of his ex-wives. Went on Larry King Live, Studio B, Dateline NBC, and The Today Show just to draw attention to himself (sadly, opening the door for his governor to do the same). Is a complete and total scumbag. Reasons Against: Was just avoidable enough. I think.

Dane Cook Reasons For: Is somehow one of the most popular comedians in the country despite not being remotely funny. Gets to make out with women like Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson in impossibly horrible movies. Reasons Against: Technically has earned his fame. Still not sure why. Nobody has watched said movies.

Heidi Montag/Spencer Pratt Reasons For: Media whores who are pretty much defined by the award's descriptions above. Endorsed John McCain before switching to Obama. Reasons Against: I really don't know a whole lot about these people, so how throat-shoved can they be?

Joe the Plumber Reasons For: Not really a plumber. Not really a Joe! Plucked by the McCain campaign and then started showing up all over the damn place. Claimed a vote for Obama is a vote for the death of Israel. Thinks he belongs on television. Thinks anyone other than the McCain/Palin campaign gives a damn about what he thinks or says. Reasons Against: Has done most of his damage in 2009, for instance going to "report" on the Gaza Strip situation while claiming that reporters shouldn't be allowed to cover wars. Once again proved The Onion prescient.

Sarah Palin Reasons For: Plucked from obscurity by the McCain campaign, then utilized her time in the forefront to bash the following people and places: Community organizers, cities, people who live in cities, the media, Katie Couric, the government, liberals. Repeatedly winking during a vice-presidential debate. Refused to give a press conference. Can't freaking speak English. Over-Joed-it on the campaign trail. Reasons Against: Did very few interviews, which generally is the opposite of what we expect from one of these candidates (not to mention for vice presidential candidates) - really subpar for a Kaelin winner, even more subpar for a VP candidate. Turkey-slaughter video may have been her professional death knell (but probably not).

Elizabeth Hasselbeck Reasons For: Is sooooo self-assured in her religious and political proclamations. Hijacks the most mind-numbing show on television simply because she's the biggest imbecile there (surprisingly beating out Sherri Shepherd). Cried boo-hoo-hoo when she wasn't invited to the White House Christmas party. Reasons Against: Shouldn't she have won this a while ago, then? It's not like she's doing anything new. Still looks pretty good.

Sound off with your opinion on the most worthless person of the year in the comments section. Winner to be announce next Monday.


Josh said...

Chalk up my vote for that no talent hack Dane Cook. And add Jessica Simpson to the list of women with whom he's locked lips. It makes no sense to me.

Kozy said...

Drew Peterson gets my vote! Why is he still in the news?