Thursday, March 27, 2008

The 2007 Kaelin Award

The year was 2007. There were a lot of problems in the world, but despite that, nobody truly stepped up to take our minds off of them with totally meaningless coverage. Instead, the empty news of 2007 was handled by committee. We’ve already covered the leading candidates for Most Worthless Person of the Year. You all voted. It is time to bestow the ’07 Kaelin Award to our winner.

America, your voting ended in a tie between Howard K. Stern and Heather Mills, so we are forced to make a judge’s decision here. Because Stern sued Rita Cosby and did eventually fade into the woodwork after proven not to be Daniellynn’s father, we are giving him the benefit of the doubt, undeniably worthless though he is. Therefore, our final decision on Most Worthless ’07 lands on Heather Mills.

And speaking of judging, even though we’re well into 2008 now, just last week, the Mills/McCartney divorce went final, and in doing so unearthed a treasure trove of evidence of her further worthlessness. There’s no way we’re going to be able to cover all of it here because we don’t have time to delve into all the ample condemnation against her in the official verdict. But here are some of the highlights from that result and her other actions throughout the year.

  • Claimed she was to give all of her Dancing with the B-Listers dough to charity, but it turns out she donated less than half of it
  • Hinted that McCartney was behind death threats and claimed she contemplated suicide in a sympathy ploy
  • Was told by the police to stop calling them with emergencies
  • Complained that McCartney flies first class and is “forcing” his daughter to fly coach, while she did the exact same thing
  • From the judge: “I am driven to the conclusion that much of her evidence, both written and oral, was not just inconsistent and inaccurate but also less than candid. Overall she was a less than impressive witness.”
  • Compared herself to Princess Diana
  • In dancing with the B-Listers, played a part in clearing the path for a Steve Guttenberg resurgence
  • Dumped a pitcher of water over the head of McCartney’s attorney during the trial and then bragged to the media about having “baptized her" (Yes, this was in '08, so it shouldn't count, but we don't see her winning this year)
  • Went on the telly to lie her good leg off and complain about media attention.
Warning, this is a lot to tolerate. You may want to skip these.

Mills is the weakest of Most Worthless winners we’ve ever had. She’s not selling anything to us, and she does do some charity work, making her something of a flawed champion. It’s hard to be truly worthless when you’d doing even a modicum of charity. But you can still be the most worthless. So Heather Mills, because you lied to everyone around, went on TV to play the shrill harpy and complain about having too much media coverage, and apparently are only concerned with your net worth, Heather Mills, we have no choice but to deem you the Most Worthless Person of the Year for 2007.

And this guy is really pissed off about the whole thing:

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