Top Ten Worst Cartoon Remakes

Today's FtY feature is cross-posted at the always excellent Scene Stealers, using their patented format for the Tuesday Top Ten. Leave comments over there to participate in the considerably wider forum.

I originally wanted to write a Top Ten Best Cartoon Remakes, but then I realized that there would be a significant problem with that approach. Remakes of cartoons are nearly always dreadful at best. I am afraid that I must conclude that Michael Bay's first Transformers effort barely gets the nod over the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie as the best one ever made. Greatly begrudging and half-hearted kudos to you, Mr. Bay. The fact that these remakes are always a disappointment has not slowed their production. Aside from this week's sure to be atrocious plunge into the live-action world of GI Joe, here's an abridged list of other projects apparently on the docket: Voltron, Hong Kong Phooey, The Smurfs, Tom and Jerry, Marvin the Martian, Yogi Bear, Johnny Quest, Thundercats, The Last Airbender, He-Man, and The Jetsons. To be honest, that last one has me mildly intrigued. Maybe there's a reason they keep sucking us in to watch these dreadful things. Maybe we're all curious to see if the magic that dazzled us with only two dimensions when we were children can be translated to our adult frame of reference. Sadly, these movies seem to always fail for both fans of the series and those who've never heard of them before. You'll surely be irked at what didn't make the cut, but there's only room for ten. So let's get this over with already. The Top Ten Worst Live-Action Cartoon Remakes.

10. Underdog (2007)
Say what you want about the original Underdog cartoon. It was flimsy, repetitive and campy as hell, but at least it had character. After taking a pill, Shoeshine Boy would transform into Underdog and rescue his Sweet Polly Purebred from the nefarious Simon Bar Sinister. From the newsreel narration to Underdog's peppy attitude, its tone always delivered a smile to viewers' faces. But this Disney film is not interested in tone. It's hard to tell if it's interested in much of anything, actually. Casting a real beagle as Underdog is a questionable decision at best; in the series he always seemed more like a regular person who was born with floppy ears and a wet nose. Affected by a lab experiment gone awry, Underdog can suddenly talk and fly and accidentally blow things up. It all plays out like a cross between Benji and Blankman, except, you know, dumber. If they really wanted to make this a dumbed down kids film, they should have made a "Superdog" movie and called it Air Bud: Pooper Trooper. Or they could have gone in the other direction and hired Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. But this is family fare that will only serve to put your kids to sleep. Also, I freaking hate beagles (long story). Here's an example of the humor on display in this stupid movie:


9. Masters of the Universe (1987)
How do you translate a beloved, but somewhat insipid children's cartoon to the big screen in 1987? You bring the characters from Eternia to Earth of course. That way you don't need any elaborate sets or special effects. Also, you completely abandon most of the storyline, history, and characters from the original series because you think you can come up with something better - like soldiers in black helmets with machine guns (seriously). And of course, you hire Dolph Lundgren. The He-Man series was always a rather basic show, with Prince Adam and Cringer screwing around until Skeletor showed up with a cadre of evil dudes at which time Adam would transform into He-Man and save the day. But this film adaptation completely ignored the Prince Adam storyline. Instead the main characters are two high school sweethearts, one of whom is played by a young Courtney Cox. This movie exudes the notion that was made up as it went along, completely full of nonsensical preening and lacking the majority of the eccentric characters from the series. The funny thing is, as bad as this film was, the only thing that kiboshed a sequel was the high cost Mattell was charging for the rights to the characters.


8. Josie and the Pussycats (2001)
The one thing they did right with this movie was to hire three hot chicks. (Admit it. You thought Tara Reid was hot right up until she became Tara Reid.) Sadly, that's the only thing. The TV show always featured the band seemingly "covering" an episode of Scooby-Doo whereby they would foil some sinister villain's plot to destroy the world or steal a lot of money. In the film, the scheme is being perpetrated by their own record label and the US Government. But it's so incredibly stupid that it pains me to give the description. The whole idea is that the government is trying to make sure teens get the message that they should spend their hard-earned babysitting and lawn-mowing money to further the economy and embrace American consumerism. It's hard to tell if the filmmakers were trying to make a point because there were 73 separate companies that were involved with product placement in the film (though none of them paid for it). It's also hard to tell if they were trying to make a joke because there's not a single thing worth laughing at in the entire film. During their meteoric rise to superstardom, the girls get "catty" with each other before working out their differences. The end result is one of the most boring and credulous movies about the inner workings of pop music you could imagine. But hey, at least the music is horrendous:


7. Garfield (2004)
OK, let's start with the fact that outside of tracking down lasagna from the kitchen, Garfield isn't supposed to "do" anything. That's the whole point of his existence and the reason suburban 40-somethings paste his image on their cubicle walls. After a cursory look at his laziness, the majority of this film consists of Garfield running around town, trying to save Odie, a dog he hates. Bill Murray supplies Garfield's voice, a transgression for which he will be forgiven largely because he's Bill Murray and because it's only his voice, so nobody will casually recognize him while flipping across TBS. But worse than the nonsense surrounding the main character is the romantic subplot played out between Breckin Meyer and Jennifer Love Hewitt. After seeing Hewitt's The Tuxedo, I recently remarked to a friend that the most notable thing in the film is that Jackie Chan acts circles around her, and he can't even speak English. In this case, the real dog playing Odie easily outdoes them both, though this his hardly surprising. I realize making a movie out of a character that normally occupies our attention for three panels a day is a daunting challenge. But nobody held a gun to the heads of the filmmakers and demanded they take up such a challenge.


6. Mr. Magoo (1997)
It is tempting to believe that Leslie Nielsen was simply so old that he thought he would probably die soon after the success of The Naked Gun and its sequels and wanted to make as much money as he could as quickly as possible. How else can you explain appearing in Spy Hard, Surf Ninjas, Wrongfully Accused, and 2001: A Space Travesty? But of all the dreadful films he's made, none are more ill-conceived than Mr. Magoo. This might be the best existing example of Hollywood executive stupidity. If you're going to remake an old cartoon, at least choose one that people actually like. For those who don't know, Mr. Magoo is basically blind, but apparently is not aware of the severity his condition so he frequently mistakes one thing for another. What he believes to be a beautiful woman may in fact be a sunflower or a broom. He'll wander into a restaurant thinking it's a hospital or a zoo. Even though Nielsen is clearly not a picky man, I can't help but wonder if he was already method acting when he OK'd the script. Actually, if you're curious about this movie and want a laugh, the best thing to do is read Roger Ebert's review and save yourself 87 minutes. It's far more entertaining than anything in the film. Just watching the trailer is unbearable:


5. Inspector Gadget (1999)
This was probably an idea doomed from the start, but casting Matthew Broderick in the titular role certainly didn't help matters. Broderick can play the bumbling fool, but not an arrogantly incurious one. And since arrogant incuriousity was the whole point of the original series, it was clear that they weren't even aiming at the right target. The movie finds itself completely derailed from its source material, but has a myriad of other problems as well. Whoever thought it was a good idea to take a character who has a helicopter come out of his hat and "play it straight" had a couple screws loose. Instead of giving Gadget a wild series of clues to follow (with help from his niece Penny and her computer book), we get a maudlin backstory of a security guard who always wanted to be a police officer, and is also a really nice guy. After being nearly killed, they turn him into an android who then goes about saving the day and whatnot. It's like Robocop, but for comotose kids. Maybe they were trying to set up a series of films that would better follow the gleefully obtuse antics of the original series, but the film was such a disaster that the inevitable follow-up featuring French Stewart and went straight to DVD. Thank goodness. Trust me when I say that this video is better than any scene in the film. You're welcome:


4. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
This is easily the biggest disappointment on the list. The story is as revered as they come, and the 1966 cartoon is replayed every Christmas with wide appreciation. A big-budget treatment directed by Ron Howard and starring Jim Carrey certainly seemed like a good idea. But its failings are as varied as they are consistent. Let's start with the glaringly obvious: the Whos down in Whoville look really freaking creepy. I felt the strong urge to look away every time one appeared onscreen. The original special was only 26 minutes, a running time that pretty much told the complete story. To stretch it into a feature film, various asinine plot points were included or adjusted. First of all, the Grinch has a past as one of the Whos, he has a love interest putting him in competition with the current mayor of Whoville, and little Cindy Lou Who has a weird fascination/friend crush on the Grinch. None of this makes any sense except to align the film with typical Ron Howardian sentimentalism and add minutes. But the biggest problem is that Jim Carrey does exactly what he was hired to do: act like a buffoon. That the majority of his scenes are shared solely with a dog only gives him more creative license. The Grinch was always more conniving than evil and in no way a clown. But Carrey hams it up way more than he did as The Mask. With all the plot changes and Carrey's mugging, they should have just made up a whole new set of characters and called it something else. It wouldn't have made the movie any better, but at least Theo Geisel's grave could stop spinning.


3. Scooby-Doo (2002)
You knew this would be a bad idea the moment you heard about it. While nobody would ever go as far as to call the cartoon "smart", at least it had a somewhat hair-raising edge to it. But of course, the live-action incarnation was directed at those 8 and under which meant all the spookiness, sense of fear, and pot jokes would be left out of the script. (Seriously, what exactly is in a Scooby-snack? Why do they crave them so much and become wildly paranoid after eating them? But I digress.) Combine that with the casting of Hollywood's "up and comers" in the four human roles and this thing was doomed from the first moment director Raja Gosnell said "Action." Matthew Lillard puts a lot of effort into his Shaggy voice, but aside from that, none of the principals can keep up with the CGI dog, and the plot is worse than any episode of the original series. Also, instead of the Harlem Globetrotters we get the band Sugar Ray. Things were so bad that I was longing for Scrappy Doo. Perhaps the movie's biggest crime is casting a hotter actress a Velma than the one they picked for Daphne. Whose idea was that? At least we can thank this film for lowering the profile of both Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar. So in that sense I suppose it's not completely worthless.


2. The Flintstones (1994)
Halle Berry in a cheetah bikini only gets you so far. This is the one that opened the floodgates and therefore deserves a huge chunk of the blame for this list's existence. Perhaps some movie producer stumbled upon Raising Arizona, heard John Goodman's ubiquitous screaming and realized he'd riff a good "Wiiiiillllllmaaaaaa." No matter what the impetus was for this project, you'd be hard pressed to think of a more boring way to spend an afternoon. Goodman's "acting" in this one consists mainly talking out of one side of his mouth, and he's not given the opportunity to pull off even the most modest of Fred's traditional crafty schemes. From a business standpoint, they were on to something as this dreadful piece of schlock netted over $350,000,000 worldwide (plus another $70,000,000 in rentals). That number probably overcame the considerable advertising budget. This is a complete waste of time for all involved, but especially for any poor viewer who's bothered to sit down and watch it. It gets high distinction on this list because its success opened led to most of the others. This clip is more entertaining than the movie itself. Working hard on those moves...


1. The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle (2000)
This steamy mess of a disaster cost 76 million dollars to make, but only garnered 26 million at the box office. It also caused considerable damage to the reputation of producer and star Robert De Niro. Not only does it completely miss the entire point of the series, there's not a damn thing in this movie that remotely works. They apparently thought that putting famous names alongside the cartoon characters everyone knew and loved would be sufficient. In lieu of working on a real script they painted the scenes with broad, dumb strokes and happily called it a day. Every attempt at the tongue in cheek humor from the original series ended up failing in this movie. Instead we get terrible puns that are not played for laughs - just for the references themselves. Whoopi Goldberg's cameo as a judge who exclaims "Oh my God, it's Rocky and Bullwinkle!" pretty much sums up the approach to making this movie. Watch the trailer, realize that these are the best jokes they had, and you get the idea. Let's never speak of this again.

Top Ten Movie Cougars

In lieu of a Five for Tuesday, I'm giving you Ten! Also, this entry is double-posted over at Scene Stealers, so check out the message board over there if you want to comment.

Directors ranging from Martin Scorsese to the Coen Brothers have made countless movies depicting older men cozying up to younger women who may or may not be naïve to the ways of romance (see also: Allen, Woody). But what of the kinder, older women who awaken young men to adulthood in the most giving way possible? I’m referring of course to cougars, to use the parlance of our time. Urbandictionary defines cougar as “a 35+ year old female who is on the hunt for a much younger male.” Some would say that any definition requires use of the word “pounce.” But whatever your take on the word's official meaning, let’s take a moment to celebrate the women who teach more than they tease, the Top 10 Movie Cougars.

10. Mrs. Betty Carver, "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" (1993)
Johnny Depp's Gilbert has the weight of the world on his shoulders. Well, perhaps just the weight of his family, but given his mother's considerable girth it probably feels the same. Gilbert allows himself only one indulgence, an affair with a married woman (Mary Steenburgen) whom he visits when delivering groceries. There is certainly pouncing. Involving ice cream. Though Gilbert is emotionally uninvolved and relatively unaffected when Betty leaves town after her husband's death, it sets him up for better things when a more age appropriate romance passes through town.
Betty: “Gilbert. I’ll need a delivery later.”

9. Alex Barnett, "Loverboy" (1989)
Needing extra cash to pay for college, Randy Bodek (Patrick Dempsey playing the same lovable asshole he always does) takes a summer job delivering pizzas. Finding the funds insufficient and frustration with the silly sombrero he has to wear, Randy stumbles into a more lucrative side job that involves the bedding of pretty much every married woman in town. Really, I could have chosen anyone from the female cast of this movie. But Alex (Barbara Carrera) is the one who sets the whole thing in motion. Thanks to her tutelage, before long Randy is toting roses, dressing in a tuxedo, and ballroom dancing with his clients. His business endeavor falls apart when his mother orders his services and he is nearly killed by a band of angry husbands led by Vic Tayback. Also, his girlfriend happens to be in town, forcing him to divulge how he had been earning funds to return to campus. She is initially furious, but his newfound dancing skills win her over and she forgives him.
Alex: “Dear Randy, of course I prefer you naked, but if you must wear something, it should be the best.”

8. Ellen Burroughs, "Class" (1983)
Jonathan is a nerdy, shy kid who gets a scholarship to a prestigious prep school. He is assigned to room with the rich and handsome Skip. After initially picking on Jonathan mercilessly, Skip makes it his business to get Jonathan laid. He sends him to a Chicago bar where Jonathan lucks into a mysterious older woman way out of his league and eagerly returns to tell Skip all about it. Ellen ends the tryst upon discovering that Jonathan is only 17, but it is not the last they see of each other. When he accompanies Skip home for Christmas, Jonathan is horrified to discover that Ellen is Skip’s mother. The affair continues in fits and starts. It’s probably not the best way for a shy kid to learn about love and sex. At least Skip can claim his mission was accomplished even if it wasn’t the way he envisioned it.
Jonathan: “You’re asking me, the turd?”
Ellen: “Well, you look like a pretty… sensitive turd to me.”

7. Nora Baker, "White Palace" (1990)
Released just seven months after Pretty Woman, White Palace was a more serious take on the situation. Also, it features Jason Alexander playing basically the same exact role. But instead of the ridiculous notion of a rich executive falling in love with a street hooker (perfectly spoofed by Dave Chappelle), James Spader is a successful but lonely widower who reluctantly falls for a diner waitress in St. Louis. She is a nurturing figure for him, able to help him overcome his grief with a steady diet of kitchen table sex. That he's 27 and she's 43 only makes their socio-economic differences that much more challenging. When he introduces her to his friends, the self-proclaimed “dumb hoosier” fails to fit in.
Nora: Honey, I got everything you need.

6. Marion Wormer, "Animal House" (1979)
When I was a kid, the Deltas seemed so mature and wise - even Pinto. Perhaps this is because Tim "Otter" Matheson and Peter "Boon" Riegert were already 30 years old. Regardless, when Otter picks up the dean's wife at a local grocery store by talking about his cucumber, it's immediately clear that she's the mature person in the conversation, showing up his banal banter with a more direct confidence. While Otter didn't need any education in the bedroom, Mrs. Wormer did present him with the ultimate conquest, and opportunity he clearly relishes from the moment she stumbles into the fraternity’s toga party. Despite his insipid efforts at making her a cocktail she clearly doesn’t need, Otter finds a way to stick it to the dean the best way he can.
Otter: “Mrs. Wormer, I’m so glad you could come.”
Marion Wormer: “Cut the crap. Get me a drink.”

5. Stifler's Mom, "American Pie" (1999)
The movie that popularized the term MILF delivered on the acronym's promise in a big way, and I'm not just talking about Jennifer Coolidge's hair. With the four male protagonists all having pledged to conquer virginity before the end of high school, Finch appears to be the farthest behind in the game after a disastrous bathroom incident. At the post-prom party, ever the mature teenager interested in the finer things, he goes looking for something unique and stumbles across a bored and lonely Stifler’s mother. The two click so well that Finch remains obsessed with her well into future movies.
Stifler’s Mom: “I’ve got some scotch.”
Finch: “Single malt?”
Stifler’s Mom: “Aged 18 years. The way I like it.”

4. Luisa Cortés, "Y Tu Mamá También" (2001)
Someone once described narrative storytelling as either “someone takes a journey or a stranger comes to town.” For teenagers Tenoch and Julio, both of these apply. Believing that they’re a lot more mature than they really are, the best friends decide to hit on Luisa at a wedding even though she is married. Perhaps they should have been more surprised when she agrees to go on a road trip with them to a secret beach whose location nobody knows, including them. Along the way, she teaches them about love and sex and generally how to act like an adult. She’s operating on an entirely different level than they knew existed. It's not that Luisa's so old, but more that her companions are so young and, um, impressionable. I won’t spoil the ending, but let’s just say that she opens their minds to things they never believed were possible.
Luisa: You have to make the clitoris your best friend.
Tenoch: What kind of friend is always hiding?

3. Maude, "Harold and Maude" (1971)
At 79 years old I don't know if Maude qualifies as a cougar because she's quite possibly too old to pounce without breaking a hip. But it doesn't stop her from garnering the carnal advances of the young and suicidal Harold. She doesn’t just give him a romp in the hay, but instills in him a real desire to live. Honestly, when someone first told me about this movie, I believed the premise was so far-fetched that there was no way the movie could work. But somehow the two characters really match, to the point where you’re not completely grossed out with the idea of Maude and Harold getting it on. Harold had younger women throwing themselves at him, well, at least his mother was throwing them at him, but he was only interested in pretending to kill himself in front of them. In the end, Maude changes his life, through the most surprising romance in movie history.
Maude: “A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They're just backing away from life. Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room.”

2. Norma Desmond, "Sunset Blvd." (1950)
Sometimes cougars aren’t just in it for the sex. Sometimes they take it all very, very seriously. When down on his luck screenwriter Joe Gillis stumbles into the washed up silent film star’s life he obtains sanctuary from money problems and a life on easy street. But he’s not in love with her. The more time he spends with Desmond, the sooner he realizes that she is completely insane. He wants to leave, but feels too much sympathy for her and enjoys the continued sugar momma treatment. SPOILER ALERT! He remains in the relationship as long as he can, but eventually declares he is ending it. Desmond is furious and shoots him in the back, killing him. The consolation is that it finally gives her the attention she has been craving and feels she deserves. END OF SPOILERS
Norma Desmond: No one ever leaves a star. That’s what makes one a star!

1. Mrs. Robinson, "The Graduate" (1967)
This has to be the most obvious #1 in Scene Stealers history, right? I'm tempted to write nothing at all, but here goes. Poor Benjamin Braddock never stood a chance. A young college graduate with no plans and no ambition, he is easily seduced by the wife of his father’s business partner. Though Ben is reluctant to engage in the affair, he doesn’t put up much of a fight. Throughout the relationship, Mrs. Robinson calls all the shots, telling Benjamin when and where to meet, and generally controlling his every move. After several months of assignations, Ben reluctantly develops interest in Mrs. Robinson’s daughter, Elaine. Whether Mrs. Robinson can be credited with giving Ben a jump start that leads to his obsession is debatable, but there’s no question that she helped remove him from his funk. One could argue that Mrs. Robinson was taking advantage of the meek Ben, or that his betrayal of her makes her the real victim. Either way, there’s no debate that she’s the #1 movie cougar of all time.
Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me. Aren’t you?
Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, I am not trying to seduce you.
Benjamin: I know that, but please, Mrs. Robinson, this is difficult.
Mrs. Robinson: Would you like me to seduce you?
Benjamin: What?
Mrs. Robinson: Is that what you’re trying to tell me?