Thursday, January 17, 2008

Kaelin Awards - 2007 Nominees

Yesterday we went through the brief history of past Kaelin Award winners. Because we have been out of touch with pretty much everything for the last five months, we are turning to you, the FtY reader to choose this year’s Most Worthless Person. We’ve narrowed the choices down to nine nominees. People not chosen: Britney Spears – we agree with that youtube lady. Leave the poor girl alone. Besides, she once stimulated the, um, economy and sold lots and lots of Pepsi to foreign markets. So she’s not worthless. Politicians – that’s an entirely different discussion, and generally they’re not shoved down our throats. American Idol – Desperately wanted to put Paula Abdul in the running, but realized that the chubby black guy was probably even more worthless. Then we just threw up our hands. Maybe next year you krazy karaoke kids.

The candidates:

Miss Teen South Carolina Reasons For: For a few weeks, her complete stupidity was big news. Reasons Against: At least she’s really hot. She appeared on only a handful of talk shows afterwards. AC Slater got some much needed screen time. Honestly, we just put her on here because we like maps. Nobody should vote for her. She's the Mike Gravel of Kaelin candidates.

Heather Mills Reasons For: Demanding copious amounts of money from a living Beatle despite only being married to him for a short while. Repeatedly calling the London police to the point where they forbade her from calling any more. Dancing with the B-listers. Going on television to ask the media to stop harassing her and calling her a peedophile. Having no discernable talent, which is kind of a biggie. Compared herself to Princess Diana. Has a funny accent. Squawky. Claims she's done nothing but charity for twenty years. Reasons Against: Outside of the whole dancing with B-listers gig, she hasn’t been shoved down our throats all that much, but might that be enough? She’s not trying to sell things or market them even though she’s been hard to avoid at the same time. Only has one leg. Has done nothing but charity for twenty years.

Kim Kardashian Reasons For: A late entrant into the mix, we don’t know all that much about her. But have a reality show named after you, and you’re going to be in the running. Only famous because of a sex tape and because of friendship with other rich socialites who’ve had sex tapes. The sex tape wasn’t very good (we’ve heard). Appeared nude in Playboy. Reasons Against: We hate to be redundant, and she’s not covering any new ground that Paris didn’t hit two years ago. But Paris two years ago was kind of like the ’96 Chicago Bulls. It’s unfair for someone to have to reach that bar. Appeared nude in Playboy.

Howard K. Stern Reasons For: The K Man, if you’re unaware of his presence, was Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyer and hands down the most despicable Howard Stern we’ve had the displeasure of knowing. A fixture on Smith's reality show, he really took things up a notch when he kinda-sorta married her and then claimed to have fathered her child heir, even though it was pretty clear that he wasn’t one of the sperm donors in the running. Conspiracy theorists believe he drugged both Smith and her adult son. For a while he was trying to capitalize on his celebrity. Reasons Against: Sued Rita Cosby. Beyond that, we haven’t heard much about or from him since August or so. Really, that's the nicest thing we can say about the guy.

Sherri Shepherd Reasons For: Somehow got a sweet gig as co-host of The View even though few people had ever heard of her. Apparently Whoopi wasn’t girthy enough to fill the hole left vacant by departing Star Jones. At one point was unsure if the world was flat, claiming that taking care of her child was the only thing on her mind. Is awfully confused about Jesus. Still kicking around on that damn show. Makes Elisabeth Hasselbeck appear sane by comparison. Reasons Against: Isn’t really trying to sell anything else – yet. Likely in for a very strong ’08.

Anyone from The Hills Reasons For: We haven’t ever seen this show or really know much of anything about it. Our understanding is that it’s a pseudo-reality show where things are kind of scripted, kind of not, and everyone is slutty and beautiful. Whenever a celebrity gets mentioned somewhere and we don’t know who they are, they invariably came from this show. Reasons Against: Nobody gives a damn about The Hills. Or do they? We really have no idea. Is this on Bravo or A&E?

Paris Hilton Reasons For: Made her biggest news when she was forced to go to jail. Then set free by the warden. Then had to go back. Then cried and cried and cried and cried. Poor Paris. Was eventually let go early one evening via obviously staged runway walk to her mom’s car. Another horrendous Letterman appearance followed a totally mendacious Larry King interview. Trying to sell us her clothes with no sense of irony about how she became famous in the first place. Trying to sell us perfume. Reasons Against: Already won this award once, and didn’t top her performance from that year, though that would be a challenge. Got what she deserved on Letterman. We just don’t give a crap anymore.

New York Reasons For: Anyone who made a name for themselves on Flavor of Love really doesn’t deserve to have more attention tossed their way. Is totally insane. Has the most annoying voice on television since Rita Cosby. Reasons Against: Is totally insane. Has the craziest mom on the planet which is probably punishment enough. We’ll likely never hear from her again. Right? I mean, she’s done, right? Please say she’s done. Seriously, we're not even linking to anything.

Tila Tequila Reasons For: Um, ok, so we don’t really know who this is. She’s got a show that’s like a cross between The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, and Rock of Love, right? Aside from the moments when someone says, “Diabeetus,” all those shows are played out. Reasons Against: Did we mention that we have no remote idea who this person is? She seems cute enough.

So there you have it. The nominees for the 2008 Kaelin Award. You decide, America. Vote at the top right of this page. Remember the criteria. We are looking for the person who has no discernible talent or contributions to society at large. They must also be shoved down our throats repeatedly.

Write-in candidates can be submitted in the comments section. We'd like more men in this list, but couldn't think of any. They must be out there. Polls close on Sunday, January 27th. We’ll announce the winner on Monday the 28th. Thanks for your help in this important decision!


Anonymous said...

As far as I know, Tila is famous for posing nude on the internet. Where's my fame?

There is a definite pattern in what qualifies one to be nominated:

1)Take part in reality TV
2)Pose nude somewhere or star in a sex tape
3)Have a "boo hoo me, Charlie Brown, why is everyone always picking on me" moment
4)Average public opinion is that you are attractive.

Reed said...

I don't know that your formula is inherently accurate. Don't forget about our previous winners. KFed was never a "boo, hoo" guy. Ashlee Simpson isn't all that attractive.

Plus, we have a few in this year's running that don't hit any of these: KStern, and Sherri Shepherd.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I am by no means saying those requirements are a must. Just pointing out that if you can answer yes to 2 or more of those questions, you stand a good chance of being in the running.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I don't know if anyone one this list really compares with the impressive list from 2004-2006. Well, I guess Paris compares with Paris.

abacus-rex said...

Got it. Voted. New York sucks big fat donkey dick ..... seriously, she suck so bad, I can't even intelligently express the degree of her suckyness because she's clouding my brain. She gives women such a bad name!!!! At least Paris is cute (yes I actually think so) and Stern has a law degree (that he probably bought online) ...but still. I can keep on going but I'll stop myself here ... because she deserves no more human thoughts. And people that watch her show should be shot ..... uhmm oh wait .. damn....

Kozy said...

My vote went to the $$-grubbing mono-pod Heather Mills. She looks like a horse-faced bulimic and dances worse than Abagail Breslin in Little Miss Sunshine!