Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Kaelins - Recent History

We generally don’t present awards here at FtY, but one has been determined in secret over the last few years. It has always been a behind-closed-doors type of thing, something that we fear publicizing because we suddenly become part of the problem. The award in question? The Most Worthless Person of the Year, aka the Kaelin. The Kaelin is bestowed upon the individual who, having no discernible talent or ability, accomplishing nothing to society’s benefit, and lacking any connection to any true art form or even remotely positive endeavor has been nonetheless repeatedly shoved down our ever-loving throats. We didn’t ask for these people. They have been forced upon us. And no matter who we are, we have been unable to avoid their media blitzing.

Individuals who have learned of the previous winners have convinced us to go public with this year’s victor. Despite our initial protests, we have succumbed to the pressure and will come to our current champion of mediocrity soon. But first, let’s take a trip down memory lane as we make public our previous most worthless peoples of the year.

The year was 2004. America was at war in Iraq for reasons that ranged from unclear to murky. Young people tuned in to MTV to escape from reality, turning instead to reality television. Among the network’s hits were Laguna Beach, The Surreal Life, and a show called Newlyweds, featuring the comic stylings of the hot and vapid Jessica Simpson. The somewhat lesser known spinoff starred and was named for her sister, Ashlee Simpson. Throughout the year, Ashlee was shoved down our throats like so much prozac. Despite having no hit single and a complete lack of vocal talent, she trotted herself out on Saturday Night Live, but forgot about the whole “live” part. When her vocal tracks snagged, a la Milli Vanilli, instead of rolling with it, she danced like a brainless marionette and then removed herself from the stage. Afterward, she cowardly blamed her band. Despite this debacle, she was completely forgiven in the press and furthermore was awarded a primo gig playing halftime of the BCS title game. Perhaps you remember how that went. No lip-synching involved there. After being justifiably booed off the stage, she later blamed Oklahoma fans, stating that they were upset because their team was losing. For being a talentless, self-centered, imbecile who we couldn’t seem to avoid no matter how hard we tried, even though her only accomplishment was having a hot, stupid sister, Ashlee Simpson, we awarded you the inaugural Kaelin Award.

The year was 2005. America was at war in Iraq for reasons that remained unclear. Young people were busy gussying up their myspace pages and moved past reality TV for the time being. Meanwhile a young socialite was embarking on her biggest media blitz to date. Paris Hilton, a woman who first gained national recognition for fellating Shannen Doherty’s husband while being filmed by G.I. Joe’s Snake Eyes, went on to star in reality show, The Surreal Life. But in 2005, Paris made serious attempts to go legit, making cameos in House Of Wax, American Dreams, and of course another sex tape. A burger/car wash ad ruffled conservative feathers, but only served to prove her lack of talent. She also put out an album so terrible, it received no airplay and sold only a handful of copies. Despite all this intrinsic failure, she appeared on Leno, Letterman, Tony Danza, and the morning shows a combined 13 times with nothing to say on any of them. For being a vapid imbecile with only one proven talent, yet still being shoved down our throats (yes, I fully grasp the irony), Paris Hilton, we awarded you the 2005 Kaelin Award.

The year was 2006. America was at war in Iraq for pseudo reasons that no one could even be bothered to remember anymore. Britney Spears had shocked the world by marrying long time friend Jason Alexander in a Vegas quickie ceremony. That marriage was immediately annulled so Britney could move on to greener pastures. Kevin Federline, a dancer from her stage show proved to be those pastures. Rampant mocking across the globe followed, but Britney and Kevin seemed happy enough, even displaying some of their more private moments for a reality mini-series, “Britney and Kevin.” Babies were born. But in 2006, someone decided that K-Fed would become the breadwinner and a household name. Nearly every night, pseudo-legitimate news programs treated this disheveled, tank-top wearing goof to serious coverage, with his airtime ramping up upon the release of his album, Playing with Fire. Primo appearances followed, including a gig at the teen choice awards. As if we couldn’t sink any lower, America. Despite nearly saving yourself with a brilliant self-effacing commercial for nationwide insurance, for being an incredibly fertile, yet moronic, jive-talking idiot who was repeatedly shoved down our throats, Kevin Federline, we had no choice but to award you the 2006 Kaelin Award.

Tomorrow, we will cover the leading candidates for the 2007 Kaelins. We of course have plenty to choose from. Being worthless has never been more popular.

No comments: