One Word Review: The Aristocrats

57: Schlocky

Friday Youtube

Friday Youtube? What the hell? We never do that! Well, this was too good not to share. Not safe for work, y'all:

In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?

Unyielding Comissioning Is Awestruck

Talkin' Loud and Sayin' Something - Roger Ebert drops the best blog posting I've ever read. I have been repeatedly linking to the majority of his posts, as his blog has clearly been a new outlet for him that has taken his writing in directions. This time, he riffs openly about everything imaginable, including: Bushy, Creationism, when to hold one's tongue, Gene Siskel, his most shameful moment, and many others... I urge you to read it.

Free Bird - Mentioned this earlier, but you can check out a live recording of Andrew Bird's performance from the other night here. Well worth the listen, of course. When's Bird coming south to Argentina??? Uhhh, nothing scheduled at this time.

They remixed the fuck out of it! - In case you don't find yourself tired of Christian Bale's tirade, /film gives us 8 remixed videos of the explosion. Thanks for collecting all the fun in one place, dudes!

For all you creative types - 10 reasons to keep on keepin' on!

Thursday Youtube: Dental Surgery Edition

This has seriously made the rounds already, but if you've already seen it... watch it again. "I can't see anything." "I don't feel tired." "Is this real life?" That is all.

One Word Review: Reel Paradise

71: Different

First Blush: Franz Ferdinand - Tonight: Franz Ferdinand

Glasgow's Franz Ferdinand burst onto the scene in 2004 with the smash hit, "Take Me Out." Their second record, while not as strong as the first, still served to build their popularity and

Track 1 - Ulysses
An incredibly simple and calm beat begins everything. Lead singer Alex Kapranos then comes in with a whisper. He sounds like Mike Muir on dopamine. This is weird. Then at 40 seconds, we punch in with some LCD Soundsystem stuff. And it starts to kick by the time we get to 1:00. "Lah, lalala, Ulysses. I find a new way, I found a new way baybaaah!" I mean, that sums up this dance tune better than I could. Also, this is friggin' AWESOME.

Track 2 - Turn It On
More LCD Soundsystem. Clearly this was intentional. This is reminding me of that hit song Elastica that one time they had a hit song. We're missing the punch we had on track one. And it's not as catchy as it should be (despite the solid drum work).

Track 3 - No You Girls
Spooky beginning, turns into a stomp that sounds almost exactly like "Talk about love" by Led Zeppelin (which was probably a ripoff of someone else), except not as rock and roll. Then at the 55 second mark, we hit the hook - it yanks us right along before combining itself with the Zeppelin riff. At 2:40, it breaks down boring just to build back up again. Good tune, derivative though it may be.

Track 4 - Twilight Omens
80s music. Not sure which one, but one of the lesser 80s genres. Like, way weaker than Bronksi Beat. Later we get just a bit of an edge here. But seriously, I half expect Anthony Michael Hall's bouffant to come around the corner at any moment. All that said, it's pretty good.

Track 5 - Send Him Away
The intro here is half Gary Glitter, half Yeasayer. But then it gets into a singsongy, dopey tune that sounds like it didn't make the cut when the Stranglers recorded it the first time. Rock N Roll Part III it is not. I'm hoping this is just a weird interlude track and not something about to derail the whole album.

Track 6 - Live Alone
Now they stole the boops and beeps from Funkytown! And the sound of a smoke machine! Then the beeps multiply and the vocals are waily, but not in a good way. Things are derailed. I suppose they're going for an MGMT thing here, but they are not pulling it off. It has devolved back into LCD Soundsystem again. Which is all fine and good, but I thought this was a rock album.

Track 7 - Bite Hard
A sparse, beaty intro goes into a Franz Ferdinand version of The Fratellis, which is weird because the bands are kinda similar, from the same town, but Franz Ferdinand has always been a lot better. The track's pretty fun, if overtly basic.

Track 8 - What She Came For
The bottom has dropped out. The vocals are kinda weak, and aside from the drums there ain't much else here. And I still feel like we're kinda back in Funkytown for some reason. It rocks in an obvious way at 1:20. They're mailing it in at this point. The song finishes a bit more triumphantly with a double-time stomp, but it was a lot to endure to get here.

Track 9 - Can't Stop Feeling
Practically a cover of LCD's "Tribulations". Not Franz's strong suit.

Track 10 - Lucid Dreams
Whoah. At nearly eight minutes, this is almost double the longest song they've ever released. I think that's a good sign. A dreamy beginning leads into a busy groove. But then at about 3:30 I'm starting to get bored. Perhaps I was wrong about the length premise. At 4:45, they seem bored. 6:52 - uhhh, yeah. That didn't work.

Track 11 - Dream Again
Pink Floyd echoey vocals at the outset. The vocals just don't seem very good on this record overall. Maybe in the two previous albums, their weakness was covered up by the guitar and, for some reason, they left them more naked this time around. Anyway, they're still bored. This is like one of those b-sides that you think, "yeah, no wonder they left this off the album. It's boring and doesn't make much sense." But it's on the album.

Track 12 - Katherine Kiss Me
Franz Ferdinand songs with girls names in them usually deliver. But this is downright sleeeeeeepy. I think they've been listening to The National. They shouldn't do that.

Well, what started off very promising ended up merely good. But in this day and age, I'll take merely good. There are a couple pretty fantastic tracks, but I don't see myself spinning the whole record much. Hopefully I'm wrong and will get the subtlety. But historically Franz Ferdinand hasn't been about subtlety. I can't really recommend it, but download those first four tracks and play 'em at your next party for sure.

Unyielding Commisioning Digs Deep During a Slow News Week

Blooooood! - Stumbled across an old posting of the Top 70 Vampire Movies of all time. As you might imagine, it's rather comprehensive. No, Once Bitten is not among them, thus adding to the validity of the list. I wonder where Twilight would end up if they revamped it. Uh, did I just say "revamped"? My apologies.

We'll do it live! - In case you haven't heard Christian Bale's meltdown on the set of the new Terminator film, it's worth a listen. I already had major doubts about the McG-helmed picture, but this.... does not bode well.

Awwwwww - Eric drops his Top Ten RoCos!

Yeah, but what about how dirty your fingers get? - Roger Ebert compares reading the paper to reading the web. Worth a read. Ugh. Let's just stop there, OK?

5-4-T: Movies that Beat the Book

Conventional wisdom dictates that movies based on books can be great, but pretty much never surpass the quality of the book. And that makes sense. A book has a more captive audience and can take all the time it needs to tell its story. But every once in a while, a skilled director manages to take us on a journey even better than the author originally hoped. Generally, the conventional wisdom is right, and you're going to be let down by the film. But here are five that managed to make an improvement. Here are some honorable mentions: Blade Runner, Psycho, Dr. Strangelove, Apocalpyse Now.

5) About a Boy
It's becoming increasingly clear that Nick Hornby's never going to write a book that's better than High Fidelity. And that's probably OK because it's friggin' hilarious. About a Boy is a far more plodding tale that has its high points, but lacks a bit in terms of enthusiasm from its characters. Still, it's a sweet story and worth the read. Directors Chris and Paul Weitz along with screenwriter Peter Hedges manage to fix the biggest problem (the Kurt Cobain worship, an easy deus ex machina if there ever was one), change the ending, and tailor everything to Hugh Grant who gives one of his better performances.

4) The Silence of the Lambs
Thomas Harris' first book, Black Sunday, was apparently ahead of its time. It focused on a terrorist attack at the Super Bowl. He followed that with Red Dragon in which he created the character of Hannibal Lecter before giving Lecter a bigger role in The Silence of the Lambs. It's a good read to be sure, but the movie delivered by Jonathan Demme transcends anything that Harris put into his work. One of three movies to sweep the "big five" Academy Awards, it sets remarkable tone that hits the viewer on multiple levels. It's hard to imagine a better crafted movie.

3) The Godfather
Mario Puzo published The Godfather in 1969, introducing themes and lingo to the reading public which would remain indelible. Words like consigliere, Cosa Nostra, and omertà became instantly recognized, and the book was a huge hit. But it doesn't compare with the film made by Francis Ford Coppola. Until the Dark Knight fanboys started messing with the system, it was always atop the IMDb's Top 250, and is lauded by critics and fans alike. I don't know anyone who doesn't have the movie in their personal top 50, and most have it in the top 5. It's #2 on the AFI top 100 list. In sum, the book is fine, but Copolla's work took it to the highest imaginable level.

2) Goodfellas
Somehow, Martin Scorsese stayed true to the source material in Nicholas Pileggi's non-fiction account of mobster Henry Hill's life and times, and yet made a more compelling, artistic story. I can't think of a movie more consistently liked by everyone who's seen it. Men, women, old, young. It has something for everybody. Everyone who acted in this movie gave the performance of their life (except DeNiro, but everyone else). Despite its length and desperate ending, it's one of the most rewatchable movies ever made. Put simply, Scorsese has never made a better film.

1) Fight Club
One could argue that Fight Club is all gimmick and no story. The premise is so far-fetched that the whole thing can be dismissed out of hand if the viewer wishes. But somehow this movie resonated, particularly with men. It's #22 on the IMDb's list and developed a cult-like connection to younger men who were drawn to the new-world message. You are not your fucking khakis. Furthermore, director David Fincher presented a highly stylized look and feel alternately pensive and frantic with a gloomy hue that nonetheless had a certain crispness to it. Chuck Palahniuk's book is pretty much all premise. An easy read that's not that well written, and has a goofy ending, it still connected to certain readers. Maybe it was a story meant more for film, but Fincher and screenwriter Jim Uhls were able to take a used Toyota Corolla and turn it into a Porsche (and then blow it all up just for shits and giggles).

So which movies that beat the book did we forget?

2008 Kaelin Award Nominees - The Most Worthless People of the Year

Revealed to the public for the first time around a year ago, the Kaelin Award is bestowed annually on the individual who, having no discernible talent or ability, accomplishing nothing to society's benefit, and lacking any connection to a true art form or even remotely positive endeavor has been nonetheless repeatedly shoved down our throats. We didn't ask for these people. They have been forced upon us, and no matter how little media one chooses to consume, we have been unable to avoid their media blitzing. Last year was too close to call, so we had a vote before Heather Mills was declared the winner of the award. This year, please submit your comments in support of any candidate. Or feel free to offer up one that the committee may have overlooked.

Without any further ado, here are your 2008 candidates:

Kendra Wilkinson Reasons For: Is only famous for having had sex with an octogenarian in exchange for lavish gifts and television exposure. Is setting up for another reality show in which she likely talks audibly, sure to drop the intellectual abilities of any horny teenagers watching. Bothered to tell a gossip rag that she cheated on her octogenarian manfriend. Reasons Against: Schtupped an octogenarian at least a few times, which we're pretty sure is punishment enough. Her 15 minutes are likely expired.

Megan Fox Reasons For: Intentionally saying things that she probably doesn't mean, alternately claiming that she's a sex fiend, into girls, and that she thinks she's a "tranny, a man" that resembles Alan Alda. Reasons Against: Is insanely hot. Is relatively inoffensive and at least acts in movies, albeit not that well. Is insanely hot.

Ummmm. We don't see a resemblance here.

Drew Peterson Reasons For: Is only remotely known because he probably murdered two of his ex-wives. Went on Larry King Live, Studio B, Dateline NBC, and The Today Show just to draw attention to himself (sadly, opening the door for his governor to do the same). Is a complete and total scumbag. Reasons Against: Was just avoidable enough. I think.

Dane Cook Reasons For: Is somehow one of the most popular comedians in the country despite not being remotely funny. Gets to make out with women like Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson in impossibly horrible movies. Reasons Against: Technically has earned his fame. Still not sure why. Nobody has watched said movies.

Heidi Montag/Spencer Pratt Reasons For: Media whores who are pretty much defined by the award's descriptions above. Endorsed John McCain before switching to Obama. Reasons Against: I really don't know a whole lot about these people, so how throat-shoved can they be?

Joe the Plumber Reasons For: Not really a plumber. Not really a Joe! Plucked by the McCain campaign and then started showing up all over the damn place. Claimed a vote for Obama is a vote for the death of Israel. Thinks he belongs on television. Thinks anyone other than the McCain/Palin campaign gives a damn about what he thinks or says. Reasons Against: Has done most of his damage in 2009, for instance going to "report" on the Gaza Strip situation while claiming that reporters shouldn't be allowed to cover wars. Once again proved The Onion prescient.

Sarah Palin Reasons For: Plucked from obscurity by the McCain campaign, then utilized her time in the forefront to bash the following people and places: Community organizers, cities, people who live in cities, the media, Katie Couric, the government, liberals. Repeatedly winking during a vice-presidential debate. Refused to give a press conference. Can't freaking speak English. Over-Joed-it on the campaign trail. Reasons Against: Did very few interviews, which generally is the opposite of what we expect from one of these candidates (not to mention for vice presidential candidates) - really subpar for a Kaelin winner, even more subpar for a VP candidate. Turkey-slaughter video may have been her professional death knell (but probably not).

Elizabeth Hasselbeck Reasons For: Is sooooo self-assured in her religious and political proclamations. Hijacks the most mind-numbing show on television simply because she's the biggest imbecile there (surprisingly beating out Sherri Shepherd). Cried boo-hoo-hoo when she wasn't invited to the White House Christmas party. Reasons Against: Shouldn't she have won this a while ago, then? It's not like she's doing anything new. Still looks pretty good.

Sound off with your opinion on the most worthless person of the year in the comments section. Winner to be announce next Monday.

One Word Reviews: Hotel Rwanda

86: Affecting