OWR: Being There
79: Fragrant
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Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Schwarzenegger Sunday: Commando
For an overview of Schwarzenegger Sunday, check out the Marching Orders above. Note – there will always be spoilers.
In the first movie where he received top billing (on the posters, his name was listed before the title of the film for the first time), Arnold plays John Matrix, a retired army… well they never really say what his role had been, but clearly some sort of special forces team leader. He and his daughter, Jenny, live in a remote, mountainous area somewhere in the US with a false identity. However, at the bidding of political émigré, Arius, and the help of Matrix’s former teammate, Bennett, men kidnap Jenny. Arius tells Matrix that his daughter will be unharmed if he will assassinate the current president of a nation called Val Verde, a man that Matrix helped install. After leaping from the plane to Val Verde at takeoff, Matrix tracks down the various thugs working for Arius he is able to discover the island where Jenny is being held. Along the way, he requires the help of flight attendant, Cindy. Serendipitously, Cindy is working on her pilot’s license and is able to fly Matrix to the island. Upon arrival, he stabs, shoots, and blows up a tremendous number of Hispanic soldiers. Bennett goes to kill Jenny, only to find that she has escaped from her locked room. Matrix goes through the mansion, killing soldiers before finally tracking down Arius and shooting him. Matrix is able to catch up to Jenny just as Bennett is getting there. He defeats Bennett, saves Jenny, and flies off the island with Cindy as “We Fight for Love” by the Power Station takes over the soundtrack.
Quality of “Ahnold” lines: Matrix has a ton of good ones here. Some of the highlights 8:
“Do me a favor, don’t disturb my friend – he’s dead tired.”
Cindy asks, “Are you going to tell me what’s going on or what?!?” Matrix responds, “No!”
“Remember Sully when I promised to kill you last?” “That’s right Matrix, you did promise!” “I lied.”
“Wadja do with Sully?” “I let him go.”
Plethora of “Ahnold” lines: Matrix has a ton of lousy ones as well. They throw just enough lines into the movie as possible without disrupting the storyline. Here are some of the lesser ones 9:
“Why don’t they just call him Girl George? It will cut down on the confusion I think.”
“Now when I was a boy and Rock N Roll came to East Germany, the communists said it was subversive. Maybe they were right…”
“Any carry on luggage?” “Just him.”
“I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now I’m very hungry.”
“We’ll take Cooke’s car. He won’t be needing it.”
“Come on, Bennett. Let’s party.”“Let off some steam, Bennett.”
“I’ll be back.”: Upon dropping Matrix and his babysitters off at the airport, Bennett gets back in his car, but not before Matrix holds open the car door and angrily says, “I’ll be back, Bennett!” Bennett responds, “John. I’ll be ready, John.” Major credit here as this was Schwarzenegger’s first movie after Terminator. If they hadn’t put the line in here, it might not have been picked up in subsequent movies. 9
Smarmy Villain: Dan Hedaya is one of my all-time favorite smarmy guys, whether he’s playing a major role in a Coen Brothers movie, a cameo in Travolta flick, or his recurring character as Nick Tortelli on Cheers. Here he has a somewhat ridiculous accent, and doesn’t really get the opportunity to show how sinister he is. Clearly his plan of kidnapping (and later killing) an innocent girl is rather evil, and Matrix mentions the people he tortured, but beyond that, one could view this movie and consider him someone who simply wants to better his home country. I don’t think they effectively utilized Hedaya in the kind of role he was born to play. 4
Rough and Tumble Henchman: Bennett is played by Vernon Wells, and Australian character actor who has appeared in scores of movies, but probably not many that you’ve actually seen. His most successful role was probably as “Ransik” in various Power Rangers endeavors. I would assume that Ransik is one of the evil characters because I can’t exactly see Wells getting into one of those suits. He has a terrible mustache and wears what is probably the worst suit ever woven. It certainly doesn’t help that said shirt does a fine job accentuating his ample belly. Bennett is supposed to be vicious, but his routine is so comical, and instead of ruthlessly dispatching both Matrix and Jenny when given the opportunity, he chooses to battle Matrix in a knife fight. Wells claimed that Bennett was like “Freddy Mercury on Steroids,” but that doesn’t exactly make for a true rough and tumble henchman. 5
Diminutive Sidekick: In her second filmic role, Alyissa Milano appears as Jenny. The movie begins showing Jenny and Matrix doing all sorts of father/daughter activities including: Getting ice cream, judo, feeding a deer, fishing, playing in the pool, and eating lunch. They are separated for much of the film, but this still qualifies. She is, after all, twelve years old an awfully short. 7
Rejected hot love interest: Perhaps some of you expected me to put Milano in this slot, as she obviously ended up being hot. But seriously, dude, that’s his daughter. You're sick. She was too young for you then, and too hot for you now, so get over it… n/a
Not nearly hot enough love interest: Rae Dawn Chong (Cindy), actually looks pretty decent here – better than I remembered at least. But she’s still not what most would consider “hot.” She is probably best known for being Tommy Chong’s daughter, but she also played the romantic lead in 1986’s Soul Man. Interestingly, that role led to a shortlived marriage between her and costar C. Thomas Howell. She has a lot of terrible lines like, “These guys eat too much red meat,” and “This isn’t a plane, it’s a canoe with wings!” One could argue that there is no romatic interest here, and maybe that’s true, but there certainly was some sort of connection if Cindy bothered to help with such a dangerous mission, and Matrix certainly didn’t tell her to scram. Plus, when meeting Jenny at the end of the movie, she greets her with a kiss in a “meet your new mommy” kind of way. 6
Arnold yelling: Surprisingly, n/a
Arnold cursing: Matrix has several great moments when he throws down an emphatic curse word. But the best probably has to be near the end when he and Bennett are fighting. Bennett says, “You’re a dead man, John.” Matrix responds with, “BuullllSHIT!” Then rises to kick some more ass. 7
Arnold crazyface: I thought for sure it’d be this one:
But moments later, we get: 8 
Superfluous Explosions: My goodness. When things blow up in this movie – and they blow up often, pretty much when anything falls over – they really blow up. Check out this array of explosions 10:
Director: As of press time, Mark L. Lester has helmed 29 films. And the only other movies in his catalogue that I’ve even heard of are Firestarter and Armed and Dangerous (w/ John Candy and Meg Ryan). It seems he’s still making movies, but hasn’t had anything released since 2005’s Pterodactyl. You get what I’m saying…
Franco Columbu & Sven Ole-Thorsen: For the second time on Schwarzenegger Sunday, both gentlement get the n/a. However, we do get an extremely brief cameo from Bill Paxton. Commando came out two months after Weird Science, so once he was able to wow Hollywood as Chet, he no longer had to take bit parts such as “Intercept Officer.”
Shirtless Arnold: I thought we’d manage to avoid this one. But late in the film, when Cindy drops him off near the island, he decides to wear only a speedo. Upon arriving on the island, he goes with camouflage body paint in lieu of a shirt for the remainder of the film. 9
Severely brutal killing of rough and tumble henchman: Cooke (played by the great Bill Duke) is impaled on some random piece of wood to end a fight whose climax remains largely unexplained. Matrix is able to kill Bennet by ripping a bit piece of pipe off the wall and sending it sailing into him in such a way that it not only pierces him and his silly shirt, but also penetrates the gigantic boiler directly behind him. This seems vastly beyond the realm of possibility just from a physics standpoint, regardless of how strong Matrix is. It does lead to the aforementioned “steam” line. That whole fight scene seems like they made it up as they went along – like they ran out of ideas. 7
Even more severely brutal killing of villain: Arius is quickly dispatched with three shotgun blasts followed by a tumble off a second-floor balcony. When you’ve got a great actor like Hedaya, you’d think you could come up with something better. 4
Plausibly implausible plot: There is a lot one could take issue with here, but nearly every extremely questionable argument is addressed by the movie. I still can’t figure out why they didn’t cast a real toughguy in the Bennett role. That’s the big lynchpin that could have been fixed. I just don’t see him as a truly tough militia man. Other points that don’t make sense – Why is Sully’s Porsche at the airport if they all arrived together? Why did the police let Cindy simply leave the Army Surplus store when they captured Matrix? How is it that Cindy and Matrix are able to converse without raised voices on the puddle-jumper? I suppose the biggest question is why on earth Arius would go with a plan like this in order to regain control of Val Verde’s government? They try to explain it away with the fact that the current president would trust matrix, but my goodness what a farfetched idea. However, we do believe it because Arius and Bennett are probably not the sharpest cookies on the table. So yes, there are plenty of unbelievable concepts here, but somehow we do buy in. 7
Ambiguous ending: Let’s start with what the heck happened to Jenny’s mom? Are they divorced? Did she die at some point? That’s an ambiguous beginning and ending. But for the most part, things are sewn up. Asked by his army general if Matrix “left anything for them”, he replies, “Just bodies.” He and Jenny board the plane as Cindy flies them back to the mainland. The only remaining issue is whether Cindy and Matrix will take their relationship to the next level. But frankly, we really don’t care. n/a
Commando is extremely over the top in all facets – from plot to acting to explosions. Judged on its own merits, it fares pretty well. One could call this a campier version of First Blood, and there are certainly a lot of similarities here. Commando is probably more enjoyable and certainly more farfetched. This is the type of role Schwarzenegger is known for – the type he plays most often. After this movie, his career took a certain direction and the character of John Matrix is the one that pointed the way.
All the Schwarenegger Sundays:
Predator
The Terminator
Raw Deal
The Running Man
True Lies
Twins
Pumping Iron
Conan The Barbarian
Total Recall
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Last Action Hero
Roundup, Part I
Roundup, Part II
The George W. Bush Administration
In the first movie where he received top billing (on the posters, his name was listed before the title of the film for the first time), Arnold plays John Matrix, a retired army… well they never really say what his role had been, but clearly some sort of special forces team leader. He and his daughter, Jenny, live in a remote, mountainous area somewhere in the US with a false identity. However, at the bidding of political émigré, Arius, and the help of Matrix’s former teammate, Bennett, men kidnap Jenny. Arius tells Matrix that his daughter will be unharmed if he will assassinate the current president of a nation called Val Verde, a man that Matrix helped install. After leaping from the plane to Val Verde at takeoff, Matrix tracks down the various thugs working for Arius he is able to discover the island where Jenny is being held. Along the way, he requires the help of flight attendant, Cindy. Serendipitously, Cindy is working on her pilot’s license and is able to fly Matrix to the island. Upon arrival, he stabs, shoots, and blows up a tremendous number of Hispanic soldiers. Bennett goes to kill Jenny, only to find that she has escaped from her locked room. Matrix goes through the mansion, killing soldiers before finally tracking down Arius and shooting him. Matrix is able to catch up to Jenny just as Bennett is getting there. He defeats Bennett, saves Jenny, and flies off the island with Cindy as “We Fight for Love” by the Power Station takes over the soundtrack.
Quality of “Ahnold” lines: Matrix has a ton of good ones here. Some of the highlights 8:
“Do me a favor, don’t disturb my friend – he’s dead tired.”
Cindy asks, “Are you going to tell me what’s going on or what?!?” Matrix responds, “No!”
“Remember Sully when I promised to kill you last?” “That’s right Matrix, you did promise!” “I lied.”
“Wadja do with Sully?” “I let him go.”
Plethora of “Ahnold” lines: Matrix has a ton of lousy ones as well. They throw just enough lines into the movie as possible without disrupting the storyline. Here are some of the lesser ones 9:
“Why don’t they just call him Girl George? It will cut down on the confusion I think.”
“Now when I was a boy and Rock N Roll came to East Germany, the communists said it was subversive. Maybe they were right…”
“Any carry on luggage?” “Just him.”
“I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now I’m very hungry.”
“We’ll take Cooke’s car. He won’t be needing it.”
“Come on, Bennett. Let’s party.”“Let off some steam, Bennett.”
“I’ll be back.”: Upon dropping Matrix and his babysitters off at the airport, Bennett gets back in his car, but not before Matrix holds open the car door and angrily says, “I’ll be back, Bennett!” Bennett responds, “John. I’ll be ready, John.” Major credit here as this was Schwarzenegger’s first movie after Terminator. If they hadn’t put the line in here, it might not have been picked up in subsequent movies. 9
Smarmy Villain: Dan Hedaya is one of my all-time favorite smarmy guys, whether he’s playing a major role in a Coen Brothers movie, a cameo in Travolta flick, or his recurring character as Nick Tortelli on Cheers. Here he has a somewhat ridiculous accent, and doesn’t really get the opportunity to show how sinister he is. Clearly his plan of kidnapping (and later killing) an innocent girl is rather evil, and Matrix mentions the people he tortured, but beyond that, one could view this movie and consider him someone who simply wants to better his home country. I don’t think they effectively utilized Hedaya in the kind of role he was born to play. 4
Rough and Tumble Henchman: Bennett is played by Vernon Wells, and Australian character actor who has appeared in scores of movies, but probably not many that you’ve actually seen. His most successful role was probably as “Ransik” in various Power Rangers endeavors. I would assume that Ransik is one of the evil characters because I can’t exactly see Wells getting into one of those suits. He has a terrible mustache and wears what is probably the worst suit ever woven. It certainly doesn’t help that said shirt does a fine job accentuating his ample belly. Bennett is supposed to be vicious, but his routine is so comical, and instead of ruthlessly dispatching both Matrix and Jenny when given the opportunity, he chooses to battle Matrix in a knife fight. Wells claimed that Bennett was like “Freddy Mercury on Steroids,” but that doesn’t exactly make for a true rough and tumble henchman. 5
Diminutive Sidekick: In her second filmic role, Alyissa Milano appears as Jenny. The movie begins showing Jenny and Matrix doing all sorts of father/daughter activities including: Getting ice cream, judo, feeding a deer, fishing, playing in the pool, and eating lunch. They are separated for much of the film, but this still qualifies. She is, after all, twelve years old an awfully short. 7
Rejected hot love interest: Perhaps some of you expected me to put Milano in this slot, as she obviously ended up being hot. But seriously, dude, that’s his daughter. You're sick. She was too young for you then, and too hot for you now, so get over it… n/a
Not nearly hot enough love interest: Rae Dawn Chong (Cindy), actually looks pretty decent here – better than I remembered at least. But she’s still not what most would consider “hot.” She is probably best known for being Tommy Chong’s daughter, but she also played the romantic lead in 1986’s Soul Man. Interestingly, that role led to a shortlived marriage between her and costar C. Thomas Howell. She has a lot of terrible lines like, “These guys eat too much red meat,” and “This isn’t a plane, it’s a canoe with wings!” One could argue that there is no romatic interest here, and maybe that’s true, but there certainly was some sort of connection if Cindy bothered to help with such a dangerous mission, and Matrix certainly didn’t tell her to scram. Plus, when meeting Jenny at the end of the movie, she greets her with a kiss in a “meet your new mommy” kind of way. 6
Arnold yelling: Surprisingly, n/a
Arnold cursing: Matrix has several great moments when he throws down an emphatic curse word. But the best probably has to be near the end when he and Bennett are fighting. Bennett says, “You’re a dead man, John.” Matrix responds with, “BuullllSHIT!” Then rises to kick some more ass. 7
Arnold crazyface: I thought for sure it’d be this one:
But moments later, we get: 8 Superfluous Explosions: My goodness. When things blow up in this movie – and they blow up often, pretty much when anything falls over – they really blow up. Check out this array of explosions 10:
Director: As of press time, Mark L. Lester has helmed 29 films. And the only other movies in his catalogue that I’ve even heard of are Firestarter and Armed and Dangerous (w/ John Candy and Meg Ryan). It seems he’s still making movies, but hasn’t had anything released since 2005’s Pterodactyl. You get what I’m saying…
Franco Columbu & Sven Ole-Thorsen: For the second time on Schwarzenegger Sunday, both gentlement get the n/a. However, we do get an extremely brief cameo from Bill Paxton. Commando came out two months after Weird Science, so once he was able to wow Hollywood as Chet, he no longer had to take bit parts such as “Intercept Officer.”
Shirtless Arnold: I thought we’d manage to avoid this one. But late in the film, when Cindy drops him off near the island, he decides to wear only a speedo. Upon arriving on the island, he goes with camouflage body paint in lieu of a shirt for the remainder of the film. 9
Severely brutal killing of rough and tumble henchman: Cooke (played by the great Bill Duke) is impaled on some random piece of wood to end a fight whose climax remains largely unexplained. Matrix is able to kill Bennet by ripping a bit piece of pipe off the wall and sending it sailing into him in such a way that it not only pierces him and his silly shirt, but also penetrates the gigantic boiler directly behind him. This seems vastly beyond the realm of possibility just from a physics standpoint, regardless of how strong Matrix is. It does lead to the aforementioned “steam” line. That whole fight scene seems like they made it up as they went along – like they ran out of ideas. 7
Even more severely brutal killing of villain: Arius is quickly dispatched with three shotgun blasts followed by a tumble off a second-floor balcony. When you’ve got a great actor like Hedaya, you’d think you could come up with something better. 4
Plausibly implausible plot: There is a lot one could take issue with here, but nearly every extremely questionable argument is addressed by the movie. I still can’t figure out why they didn’t cast a real toughguy in the Bennett role. That’s the big lynchpin that could have been fixed. I just don’t see him as a truly tough militia man. Other points that don’t make sense – Why is Sully’s Porsche at the airport if they all arrived together? Why did the police let Cindy simply leave the Army Surplus store when they captured Matrix? How is it that Cindy and Matrix are able to converse without raised voices on the puddle-jumper? I suppose the biggest question is why on earth Arius would go with a plan like this in order to regain control of Val Verde’s government? They try to explain it away with the fact that the current president would trust matrix, but my goodness what a farfetched idea. However, we do believe it because Arius and Bennett are probably not the sharpest cookies on the table. So yes, there are plenty of unbelievable concepts here, but somehow we do buy in. 7
Ambiguous ending: Let’s start with what the heck happened to Jenny’s mom? Are they divorced? Did she die at some point? That’s an ambiguous beginning and ending. But for the most part, things are sewn up. Asked by his army general if Matrix “left anything for them”, he replies, “Just bodies.” He and Jenny board the plane as Cindy flies them back to the mainland. The only remaining issue is whether Cindy and Matrix will take their relationship to the next level. But frankly, we really don’t care. n/a
Commando is extremely over the top in all facets – from plot to acting to explosions. Judged on its own merits, it fares pretty well. One could call this a campier version of First Blood, and there are certainly a lot of similarities here. Commando is probably more enjoyable and certainly more farfetched. This is the type of role Schwarzenegger is known for – the type he plays most often. After this movie, his career took a certain direction and the character of John Matrix is the one that pointed the way.
All the Schwarenegger Sundays:
Predator
The Terminator
Raw Deal
The Running Man
True Lies
Twins
Pumping Iron
Conan The Barbarian
Total Recall
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Last Action Hero
Roundup, Part I
Roundup, Part II
The George W. Bush Administration
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
Unyielding Commissioning is rated G (at least today)
No, you get a thumbs up! Roger Ebert appeared at his Overlooked Film Festival in Champaign, and thank goodness. He’s not looking so good, but I don’t think he gives a crap. He can’t talk, and has trouble walking due to back pain, but it is still great to see him up and out. We’ll see you in the balcony soon, Rog!
You may now judge art for yourself. Jack Valenti died on Thursday. He was the head of the MPAA and the one designed the censorship Movie Rating System we are blessed with today. Honestly, everything I know about the man is probably not fit for an obituary, so I’m just passing along the news. I don’t think that ratings will change much because of this (he was 85, so I can't imagine he was all that involved any more), but it would be nice if someone would fix them. In any event, expect a South Park episode lambasting him in the next two weeks…
More Lolla Bands Added. But I’m not exactly familiar with any of these:
Kinky
I’m From Barcelona
John Paul White
Tom Schraeder
They also have a 30-second music clip for each act on their site. So start checking it out!
Here there be tygers!
I'm sick of all the new gameshows
It seems like the hip thing to complain about is how “our” children are overstimulated because commercials and MTV and children’s programming is constantly sending faster and snappier imagery at them. This certainly may be true in many cases. But then how does one explain what’s going on in the world of gameshows? When I was a kid, we watched fast-paced gameshows like Tic-Tac-Dough, Press Your Luck, and the $25,000 Pyramid. But nowadays, everything has slowed down. Yes, Jeopardy is still on, and Alex Trebek is still proud to have all the answers -er- questions – whatever. It is a show that rewards knowledge and cleverness. But beyond that, the current spate of offerings are clearly designed for those without the capacity for intellectual thought.
I was shocked to flip on NBC to discover that Deal or No Deal was still on the air. My friends tell me that it continues to be a huge hit. Now I realize that those women holding briefcases are attractive. But the attention span required to watch such a program is longer than that of the average giant sloth. Note that this is roughly six times the length of the typical Howie Mandel fan. I’m astounded that anyone is tuning into see this. The only way I can see that this differs from
Let’s Make a Deal with Monty Hall is that the people are not in fun costumes, and there is no boobie prize like a bunch of goats. Yet the show presses on with others following in its wake. We have 1 vs 100 w/ Bob Saget, Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader? with Jeff Foxworthy, and finally National Bingo Night with some guy from that extreme home makeover show. What happened to someone earning their money? There has been a very quick devolution from Who Wants to be a Millionaire, which was kind of perfect in that there were easy questions for kids and morons, but things also ramped up to a more challenging level. From there, The Weakest Link took over as the most popular game show. Speed and strategy were key, but knowing anything at all was really not rewarded. In fact, it only increased your odds of getting booted off the show. Being smart resulted in punishment. It was like 3rd grade all over again.
Which brings me to Mr. Foxworthy’s show. When I heard the premise – adults trying to match 10 year olds question for question, I was somewhat intrigued. I figured they had some genius kids that were Ken Jenningses just waiting to happen. Alas, on a good day, this show only covers ten questions, all of which are pretty much common sense or at least common knowledge. The “charm” of the program is that the kids are really cheeky and Foxworthy insults the contestants. Which, it turns out, is the real point of all these shows: Humiliation.
See, when Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, and their ilk had finally gone through every last way you could subject people to public embarrassment, the networks realized that they had to shift gears. We’d seen enough preteen prostitutes and incestuous brawlers to last a lifetime. But the public’s lust for the shaming of their fellow man is a beast not easily satiated. When Chase Sampson missed the first question on Millionaire, it was bigger news than when someone actually won the top prize. Poor Chase arrived a college student dressed in a suit and tie only to leave feeling like the idiot of the year. Immediately after that, we were given a show where an androgynous Brit shrieks at contestants, “You are the weakest link!” So now when a guy goes on Deal or No Deal and blows an offer of 40,000 bucks because he has no capacity for math – in front of his friends and family no less (who, incidentally also have no capacity for math), we’re supposed to be entertained.
However, we’re really just laughing at ourselves. I started by complaining about the ridiculously slow pace of
these shows. Someone has been good enough to prove my point for me. They boiled down an hour episode to two minutes and 46 seconds of action. Check it out.
So we are left with people who have come on a TV show to win money, only to find themselves ridiculed. While the people watching at home are proving their own lack of intellect by sitting still for a full hour, waiting to solely see how the contestant blows it. That must be why they're watching because it's clear that there is little other action. It' s a sorry state of affairs. Wink Martindale, where have you gone?
I was shocked to flip on NBC to discover that Deal or No Deal was still on the air. My friends tell me that it continues to be a huge hit. Now I realize that those women holding briefcases are attractive. But the attention span required to watch such a program is longer than that of the average giant sloth. Note that this is roughly six times the length of the typical Howie Mandel fan. I’m astounded that anyone is tuning into see this. The only way I can see that this differs from
Let’s Make a Deal with Monty Hall is that the people are not in fun costumes, and there is no boobie prize like a bunch of goats. Yet the show presses on with others following in its wake. We have 1 vs 100 w/ Bob Saget, Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader? with Jeff Foxworthy, and finally National Bingo Night with some guy from that extreme home makeover show. What happened to someone earning their money? There has been a very quick devolution from Who Wants to be a Millionaire, which was kind of perfect in that there were easy questions for kids and morons, but things also ramped up to a more challenging level. From there, The Weakest Link took over as the most popular game show. Speed and strategy were key, but knowing anything at all was really not rewarded. In fact, it only increased your odds of getting booted off the show. Being smart resulted in punishment. It was like 3rd grade all over again.Which brings me to Mr. Foxworthy’s show. When I heard the premise – adults trying to match 10 year olds question for question, I was somewhat intrigued. I figured they had some genius kids that were Ken Jenningses just waiting to happen. Alas, on a good day, this show only covers ten questions, all of which are pretty much common sense or at least common knowledge. The “charm” of the program is that the kids are really cheeky and Foxworthy insults the contestants. Which, it turns out, is the real point of all these shows: Humiliation.
See, when Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, and their ilk had finally gone through every last way you could subject people to public embarrassment, the networks realized that they had to shift gears. We’d seen enough preteen prostitutes and incestuous brawlers to last a lifetime. But the public’s lust for the shaming of their fellow man is a beast not easily satiated. When Chase Sampson missed the first question on Millionaire, it was bigger news than when someone actually won the top prize. Poor Chase arrived a college student dressed in a suit and tie only to leave feeling like the idiot of the year. Immediately after that, we were given a show where an androgynous Brit shrieks at contestants, “You are the weakest link!” So now when a guy goes on Deal or No Deal and blows an offer of 40,000 bucks because he has no capacity for math – in front of his friends and family no less (who, incidentally also have no capacity for math), we’re supposed to be entertained.
However, we’re really just laughing at ourselves. I started by complaining about the ridiculously slow pace of
these shows. Someone has been good enough to prove my point for me. They boiled down an hour episode to two minutes and 46 seconds of action. Check it out.So we are left with people who have come on a TV show to win money, only to find themselves ridiculed. While the people watching at home are proving their own lack of intellect by sitting still for a full hour, waiting to solely see how the contestant blows it. That must be why they're watching because it's clear that there is little other action. It' s a sorry state of affairs. Wink Martindale, where have you gone?
Thursday, April 26, 2007
First Blush: Fishbone - Still Stuck in Your Throat
The most astute and learned of readers are aware that this entire website takes its name from a Fishbone song. The same goes for regular feature Unyielding Commissioning. For those that do not know, Fishbone is my absolute favorite band. Put simply, no musical artist has provided me with more joy in my lifetime. I’ve seen them live too many times to count and am a fan of everything they’ve ever released. To quote frequent commenter, Biz, if someone asks me which Fishbone album is my favorite, the answer is, “Whichever one I’m listening to.” 
Fishbone’s sound has always changed from album to album, yet it has always remained theirs. They are an unclassifiable artist – to describe their music as anything but “Nuttmeg” would be folly. Such variety is generally welcomed and expected by the average Fishbone fan. However, it has been seven years since their last studio release, and nearly the entire lineup has been altered. The only two members remaining from the original crew are bassist Norwood Fisher and frontman, sax player, and all-around entertainer Angelo Moore. I was able to catch the new lineup about three years ago at Subterranean. Unfortunately, Norwood was too drunk to play, and the show, while hilarious, was a disaster. After such a hiatus, the success or failure of this album will surely determine what the future holds for Fishbone. I’m obviously sitting here with fingers and toes crossed. Needless to say, I feel this will be the most urgent First Blush to date, and I couldn’t be more excited. So let’s hear it!
Track 1 – Jack Ass Brigade
0:01 – I’ve noticed that the first couple seconds of any Fishbone album is nearly always brilliant. This time it is Angelo imitating a donkey. Guess that streak’s over.
1:03 – The backing music is damn sparse with Angelo singing so quickly I don’t think he can understand himself. If the words were nonsense, I’d say it was “Das EFX-ey”
1:45 – First entry of the sax. This is a nice little tune, upbeat and a bit silly. But it sure ain’t catchy. Outside of the sax, everything sounds a bit muddled.
2:58 – “J-A-B à Jackass Brigade. Yeeaaaaah.” Safe to assume this is about the Bush administration? I really couldn’t understand most of the words. Could be about any old idiots I suppose.
Track 2 – Let Dem Ho’s Fight
0:08 – OK, so this is Fishbone’s first dub song. This one isn’t brand new – I think I’ve seen it live and it was on some previous live releases.
0:36 – Guitars are crunching and John Steward is pounding on his snare.
1:16 – Now that apostrophe seems incorrect to me. Does the fight belong to Dem Ho? Or are they saying Let Dem Ho is Fight? That really doesn’t make any sense. OK, sorry. This ends the grammatical lesson for today.
2:14 – Compact, powerful track. Very aggressive – there was nothing like this on Pyschotic Friends Nuttwerx
Track 3 – Skank ‘N Go Nuttz
0:03 – Another not-so-new one. This one has some punch if I recall correctly.
0:20 – That’s right, it’s speedy as hell.
0:45 – They’re feelin’ their ska roots here. See, I could have said “feeling” there. The apostrophes are rubbing off on me.
1:42 – “I’ve got a nut, it’s bound to bust. Spirit spray or sparked by lust. Keep it slippery never rust. By nose we flows in stank we trust. Skank and go nuts!” I suppose that’s exuberant, no? It fits the song. Believe me.
2:43 – Really busy horns here. Ahhhhhh. This is Fishbone, baby.
3:03 – Got lots of different lyrics going on, even someone screaming random stuff in the background.
3:29 – Right now I’m impressed with the new lineup. Note that I really can’t attribute anything to specific people since they didn’t even list the names of the musicians in the album. Whassup with that? Maybe they’re still in “audition” mode.
Track 4 – Party With Saddam
0:38 – It’s not ground zero – this is very much like one of their lighter fun songs. Very Everyday Sunshine-esque.
1:01 – “Party ‘till Saddam’s your friend. Never drop a bomb again.” It’s a plea for peace through partying, folks. It’s quite possible that this is the song Fishbone was put on the earth to write.
2:44 – If you like Sly and the Family Stone, this is the track for you. It could’ve appeared on Stand! Well, if Saddam had been invented by then.
3:52 – Now they’re just listing random dictators and saying we should party with them. That’s quite a progressive…
Track 5 – We just Lose Our Minds
0:26 – Horns are featured to start and played similarly to those in P-Funk’s “Children of Production”
2:03 – This is the first moment where Norwood’s bass has gotten low and thick. ‘Bout time.
4:43 – The whole song is slow and groovy, with Angelo doing a Tom Waits Nighthawks at the Diner kind of thing where he riffs and wails his vocals.
6:16 – There’s a Weapon of Choice (Fishbone’s “little brother band”) song that is very similar to this one.
6:49 – Ooh, but it doesn’t have strings – we just got some. Eh – maybe that was a synthesizer.
Track 6 – Frey’d Fuckin’ Nerve Endingz
0:07 – All the hallmarks of a crazy Fishbone song. People will tackle the crap out of each other when this gets played live (I can’t wait!)
1:28 – Angelo has to be about 40 years old by now. I don’t know how the hell he does this. He is singing fast as hell – not rapping - and throwing in all kinds of yelling and screaming at various times, too.
3:39 – Just loud and aggressive and dirty.
4:17 – Just a wail from Angelo in the background – it’s going on for about twenty straight seconds.
Track 7 – The Devil Made Me Do It
0:38 – Steward is doing some kind of crazy, superfast zydeco beat.
1:01 – “It had to be the will of God, but the devil made me do it.” When can’t you use that one?
1:50 – Someone in here sounds like Walter Kibby. But he’s out of the group, so I wonder if they auditioned guys with dirty voices until they found the right fit. And if so, can they still call that person King of the Dog Freaks?
4:45 – Not sure what to think of that track. It sounded fine, but there wasn’t much change along the way.
Track 8 – Forever Moore
0:21 – So far this one is pretty much a stripped-down version of “Where’d you get those pants.”
1:04 – Looking at the lyrics, it’s pretty clear that Angelo wrote this about his sister who must have passed away. It’s not really the kind of subject matter that fits with Fishbone’s music, especially on the last few releases. And if I did interpret the lyrics correctly, then I’m afraid this song isn’t the greatest tribute. Fishbone has made songs with an emotional closeness before (Lemon Meringue, Change, In the Air), but I’m guessing it’s harder for them with a new lineup because it' coming across very bluntly.
Track 9 – Behind Closed Doors
0:22 – Getting a great combination of sound out of the guitar and bass right now.
1:47 – There are brief moments of very heavy guitars, balanced by the horns.
2:56 – This is probably the most uninspired track on the album thus far. The music is fine, and would possibly be good live, but the could have cut it after two minutes because it's flatly rolling along.
3:03 – Somebody is rapping now. I'd call it "dub-hop" - does that even exist? Did I just make up a genre?
3:44 – Things are picking up. Perhaps I was too quick to judge this song.
Track 10 – Premadawnutt
0:02 – Ah yes, I recall this one. It is craaaazy.
1:18 – “You showed your ass and suddenly, I have found my way.” I don’t have a worthwhile response to that. I just like it.
2:06 – The Theremin is going wild.
2:33 – “Hoooh! Hah!”
3:34 – I think this song may be too rapid and fast for people to get live. Maybe now that it’s on an album it’ll get more traction. I remember seeing them play it and just feeling bewildered.
Track 11 – Faceplant Scorpion Backpinch
0:26 – “Faceplant – it hurts!” Lots of skateboard or snowboard references here.
0:38 – Why am I being reminded of Gleaming the Cube right now? I guess it’s a snowboard, but something about the music could have been from 1987 here – I think it’s the surf guitar
2:28 – I really wish there were credits here. I’m awfully curious about who’s singing right now
Track 12 – Date Rape
0:28 – It says this is written by Sublime, so I suppose it’s a cover, but I don’t think I know it
1:26 – Kind of an odd thing to end your comeback album with a cover, no? It’s good, though. Not as good as when they covered The Rolling Stones’ Shattered on the Magic Hour, but still good.
2:06 – Also not as good as the cover of Sly’s Everybody Is a Star on their last album, but still good.
2:52 – The Sublime version is now feeling vaguely familiar to me. Vaguely.
Well, I’m pleased. I mean, anytime Fishbone releases something, I’m pleased, but this album is exactly what they should have produced. The previous one appeared to somewhat cater to what they thought people would want to hear, but Still Stuck in Your Throat is more what I think the band wants to be playing. It’s true to form of their most renowned albums. Will it produce a hit single? I’m not seeing it, but I recommend picking it up. It's 11.99 at Best Buy this week, or you can pick it up here. Of course, if you don’t have any Fishbone albums, maybe start with Truth and Soul or The Reality of My Surroundings. And if you get the chance to see them live – do not miss it.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Lifetime w/ The Draft & Four Star Alarm @ Subterranean
Every time I start to question whether my heavy rawkin’ days are behind me, I like to take in a show that reminds me that such a notion is foolhardy. I go to shows for a variety of reasons, but if a band is putting energy and passion into their set, they can almost always impress me. Call these acts post-hardcore or whatever you want, but they certainly brought the rawk.
Four Star Alarm was up first, and they were fine, but did nothing out of the ordinary to gain traction with an eager crowd. The vocals were impossible to discern and that was too bad because they were the only aspect of their set that could have distinguished them from a multitude of other acts. They played with enthusiasm, but failed to leave much of an impression on me.
I wouldn’t say that it’s impossible to talk about The Draft without mentioning Hot Water Music, but it’s probably not kosher. HWM was one of the most talented and innovative hardcore acts around, continually evolving their sound right up until they broke up in 2005. They were one of those bands who you could see a hundred times, and still not be sated. While many lament the end of that outfit, we’re at least fortunate enough to have The Draft, comprised of 3/4 HWM.
They kicked off with forty seconds of “Cigarettes, Whiskey, and Wild Wild Women,” before going into Let it Go. Tearing through a quick, effusive set, they covered about eight songs off their debut album and a couple of new tracks. While this was clearly a Lifetime dominated crowd, there were plenty of people shouting and pointing during the choruses. I really wish they would have played longer, and of course everyone in the room was probably dying for a HWM track or two. That may have to come sometime later down the road, though. I’d like to see them headline a show, but perhaps they need more material before they could accomplish that effectively.
Immediately before Lifetime took the stage, a short guy wearing a White Sox hat turned to me and said, “I have been looking forward to this day for longer than I can remember. This 
show is the reason I’m still a punk!” He was obviously there by himself and had to tell someone just how excited he was. On the first note, a wild mosh pit opened up in front of the stage. Much beer was spilled. I’m not a huge Lifetime fan as I’ve always kind of felt like most of their songs sound alike. It did not help that the sound was terrible for their set. All you could hear were vocals, snare drum and then a loud, low rumble as everything else was all mixed together. But the fans did not care. They shouted every lyric and stage-dove as much as they could get away with it. Bouncers were ejecting people liberally, chasing them down in the pit for whatever infraction they committed – presumably stage-diving. One woman used me as a pick and got away from her pursuer - at least momentarily (ironically enough, the bouncer was wearing a shirt that said, “OBEY”) . In my book, the passion of the fans and the band overcame whatever sonic difficulties there were and made it a memorable time. I don’t think I’m going to run out and buy their albums or anything, but I’d definitely go check them out again.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Elf Power w/ Syllable Section & Whale Horse @ Subterranean
I was really just there to see Whale Horse because a friend of mine pointed me to their myspace page. The place was probably only an eighth full when WH began their set. Like most openers, they were treated to the Rainbow of Shyness where no one enters the semi-circle in front of the stage. But they played really well. For a band that hasn’t been around all that long, they were very tight, rawkin’, and mathy. The vocals, at least the way they’re currently presented, are not really my thing, but I still enjoyed the hell out of their set. I spoke to one of the guitarists well after they were finished, but he was well intoxicated by then. They didn’t have any merch to sell, or rather if they did, the guy who had it had possibly gone home already. Either way, expect big things from this band as they have a ton of potential.
Before Syllable Section came on, we were treated to a poem by Thax Douglas who claimed that SS is his “favorite Chicago band.” By halfway through their first song, I could tell that Thax and I would vehemently disagree. I’m trying to think of ways to describe this band’s performance courteously and professionally. I’ll say this. SS is music by chunky nerds for chunky nerds. So if you yourself happen to be a chunky nerd, perhaps you will find them interesting. I’ll just say that they’re not my cup of tea, nor were they the cup of tea for any of my three friends who were in attendance. Factor in that all of us have rather different taste in music, and you get a rather loud condemnation. They basically were trying hard to sound like the Violent Femmes if they were on the Elephant Six label. So it’s definitely not my thing. But they were awful, too. Note that this probably means that Thax is a chunky nerd (but a sweetheart of a fellow based on interactions I’ve had with him).
Elf Power was also introduced by Thax, but the poem was a very quick one. They got right to it, and that goes for breaks in between songs as well. There was no talking or banter, and the crowd seemed to expect that. Elf Power is clearly a talented, very together act. But I have to say that they were rather listless on stage. They appeared to just be going through the motions. I have to think this happens to a lot of bands when they’ve been around for thirteen years, particularly when you’re playing a Thursday night, half-full show at Subterranean. Their core fans were not deterred, each one displaying their own favorite version of the hippie dance. All that said, they had a bright, crisp sound, highlighted by Andrew Rieger’s 12-string guitar and Laura Carter’s cello, keys, and I-mac. The highlight of the set was definitely An Old Familiar Scene, with all members of the band playing harder and more passionately than on the other tracks. In sum, Elf Power really isn’t my thing, but they did play well. It’s too bad more of their fans didn’t come out to see them play.
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