There are some people I know that refuse to watch black and white movies. It isn't simple prejudice. Generally it's because they don't want to watch anything older than the 1960s. Heck, maybe most of them won't watch anything older than the 1990s, but whatever the reason, the lack of color turns them off right away. In today's Five For Tuesday, we examine modern movies left intentionally colorless, and the impact of that decision.
Honorable Mention) Clerks Really, I just wanted to include the below scene. Obviously this was done for cost reasons, but if the movie were in color all the amateur acting would have stood out that much more, right?
5) Good Night and Good Luck When they showed test audiences screenings of George Clooney's Good Night and Good Luck, they felt the actor portraying Joseph McCarthy was overdoing it, stretching the bounds of believability. Unfortunately for history's sake, that was no actor, but actual footage of the senator from Minnesota. Had this film been in color, all verisimilitude would have gone right out the window. To correctly place the events in their time in history, B&W was the only way to go.
4) The Man Who Wasn't There The Coen Brothers have long traded in the world of Film Noir, but in their purest homage to the genre yet, they chose to limit Roger Deakins' considerable talents to blacks, whites and grays only. That didn't harm Roger at all as he won the AFI award for cinematography and was still nominated for an Oscar. Given Billy Bob Thornton's bland main character, removing all the color from the film put all of his minimal actions (mainly just sitting there and smoking) in stark relief. It also effectively placed the film in 1950s America.
3) Manhattan One of Woody Allen's most acclaimed features, Manhattan is part ode to his city and part lament for all the humanity residing there just trying to get through it all. The opening montage shows off the city in glorious fashion, but when the characters are forced to deal with one another and their own failings, the lack of color makes it seem all the more personal and intimate. After all, "we're just people."
2) Schindler's List Putting the film in black and white not only effectively entrenched its place in historic terms, it made it more palatable. Because had all its gruesome details played out in color, it would have been far too much for most filmgoers to take. Black and white in this case allowed viewers to witness the film as the episode in history it was intended to be and be detached enough to make their way through it.
1) Young Frankenstein Mel Brooks has plenty of fans. I'm honestly not one of them. But in Young Frankenstein, he struck gold. His most hilarious movie from start to finish, it's one of the best spoof pictures ever made. In color, the film would have failed to adequately set up the gags. In an oblique way, the movie feels like it could have been made right after the 1931 classic.
Smashed - Greg Kot interviews Billy Corgan and more amazing blather comes out of his mouth. There is some interesting material, but with Corgan, you never know when he's going to reverse himself, so it must all be taken with a big grain of salt. Most notable is that he seems to admit that Zeitgeist isn't very good and that they've gotten better through touring. That was my exact premise for why the album was so weak. Still, Billy's always entertaining. My favorite quote:
"We didn’t come back for the cash, we came back to be great again. It made me mad that people thought we’re done, that we don’t have a future. Get out. We don’t want you. We’ve never been that band. That happy band. We picked up where we left off. We’re not the retirement band playing our old hits. ... I don’t give a [expletive] that most of my heroes got lame when they turned 40. I spent most of the last decade thinking about that. Why do they go from this insanely high level of work to diminished echoes of the past? And I think it’s a coziness thing. You do something amazing and you don’t want to lose the crowd that tells you that’s amazing. You’re out in the cold. Well we like to be out in the cold. We’re done with the record business, so we’re free to do whatever I want."
At this point, I feel like you can just throw out any topic to Corgan and he'll go off on an insane rant. For instance, if you were to walk up to him and say, I dunno, "Toaster!" His response would probably be something like:
"D'arcy wanted to take a toaster on tour because she was obsessed with having chunky peanut butter slightly melted on her PB&Js. This was back when we were driving around in a rented van and didn't have anyone's help with anything. James was still dating her and was totally conflicted because he knew it was a dumb [expletive] idea, but it was his girlfriend. So we battled over this [expletive] toaster for three weeks before we left town and it was one of the things the band never came back from. But [expletive] that. I don't want to talk about the past and all of those things. We're a new [expletive] band."
It's that time of year - The Onion's AV Club goes through their picks for the top 30 albums of 2008. Aside from Death Cab for Cutie being too high, it's a pretty solid effort.
It's that time of year, part II - Roger Ebert declares his top 20 movies of 2008. Alas, the move to Buenos Aires means that I've only seen, like, three of these. And I call myself a movie blogger. Anyway, as with just about anything written by Ebert, this one is worth reading.
Strike up the band, turn off the random - Eric over at Scene Stealers lays out his top ten fictional movie bands. Also, in the comment section, I scuffle with someone over the most insignificant of problems. Yay internets!
Denied - Mental Floss has a quiz about actors who were nearly cast in famous roles. It's a tougher quiz because you have to identify the lie instead of the ture statement. I don't know why. 8/10 for me. How'd you do?
We haven’t first-blushed anything in a while around here. Part of that is due to the Buenos Aires move, but also because there just haven’t been the released worth reacting to in real time. But now, from Los Angeles and parts-unkown, comes a release more deserving of a First Blush than any we’ve seen previously. Coming 17 years after their last real album, and utilizing only one of Guns N Roses’ real members, Chinese Democracy is technically the most anticipated album in history. Rumors indicate that over 13 million dollars were spent on the release, which is amazing for a band whose prime was so long ago. I could pontificate further, but rather, let’s find out what all the fuss is about, shall we? OK, Axl, let’s see whatcha got!
Track 1 – Chinese Democracy Distant sirens are always a risky way to begin an album, even if they are actually guitars meant to sound like sirens. But that’s the band’s first salvo in 17 years. Meanwhile, hushed voices argue in some language (presumably Mandarin?) - are they the hushed voices of political freedom? Only Axl knows. Speaking of Axl, he joins in at 1:20 with his trademark wail. Halfway through, the song definitely sounds as though it’s from a different time (that time being roughly 1994), but there is no doubting that it rocks, which is what we’re here for, right? “It don’t really matter, I guess you’ll find out for yourself.” Lyrics were never Axl’s strong suit, so why the high-minded title if you’re just going to ramble about nothing? I guess it’s not nothing to him. Anyway, so far, I’m impressed.
Track 2 – Shackler’s Revenge Heavy and dissonant for the sake of being dissonant and heavy. Wow are these lyrics bad: “Don’t ever try to tell me how much you care for me.” Well through the song, I find myself uncompelled to write anything. With an album runtime of 71 minutes, maybe they should have left this one out, or at least not made it track #2. Or maybe it’s all downhill from here. If so, I have some laundry to tend to.
Track 3 – Better We’re not in classic GN’R territory here. Axl is trying to sound inspirational. His strong suit has always been faux anger, but this song is working anyway. This track is halfway between Alice in Chains and Helmet’s Betty album. Nice evolution, but again, very ’94. Perhaps these 14 tracks are meant to represent each of the years that have passed in the making of this album? THAT would be quite the concept. I can’t wait to see what the band does in response to 9/11 and Katrina!
Track 4 – Street Of Dreams Uh-oh, Axl sat down at the piano again. And there’s some acoustic strumming going on. This may be November Rain, part III (yes, Estranged was part II). 45 seconds in, Axl is really Joe Cockering it up here. I must admit, it’s bringing a smile to my face that is only 40% based on amusement. It’s a little melodramatic, but not quite as heavy-handed as the Use Your Illusion melodrama. But I could do without this one. 3:55 in, Axl has discovered protools. That’s not a good thing, and we end on an incredibly cheesy chord from the string section.
Track 5 – If the World I just noticed that there isn’t much bass work of note on any of these songs. I must admit that the band misses Duff McKagan. I never, ever, thought I would say something like that about duff McKagan. Axl’s flexing his range and this one just kind of plods along. But it’s inoffensive in its plodding. This song doesn’t bother me at all.
Track 6 – There Was A Time Despite my hopes that this is a cover of a superb James Brown hidden gem, it’s not. “It was the wrong time for you, it was the wrong time for me, it was the wrong time for anyone, but it looks like it’s meant to be.” This song could be about anything, but I want to assume that it’s the story of Chinese Democracy, any and all definitions. “But there was a tiiiiiiimmmMMME.” OK, he just won me over, despite the annoying strings. A ton of guitar solos on every track, which is great. The solos themselves aren’t great, and definitely below the standards set by Slash in the band’s heyday, but if they just tried to gloss over his absence with heavy riffing, the result would have been a disaster. Incidentally, there are seven different people credited with “guitar” on the album, and I have no idea who plays on which songs. 4:05 and Axl is really wailing right now. No protools needed. Damn. That’s right, I said dayamn.
Track 7 – Catcher in the Rye Can you imagine GN’R titling a song Catcher in the Rye back in the day? There is no “Back Off Bitch” to be found on this album, apparently. Now is when I reiterate that faux anger is Axl’s strong suit. I’d like to hear more of it here. Incidentally, this one sounds like Keane or Maroon 5 covering a Guns N’ Roses song. No, that isn’t a compliment to anybody.
Track 8 – Scraped A capella opening (but it’s more “Ah! Capella! Make it stop!”). But from there, we start to rock again. “Don’t you try to stop us now. I just refuse. Don’t you try to stop us now. ‘Cause I just won’t let you!” Wailing and riffing galore. This is what we came for.
Track 9 – Riad N’ the Bedouins A loose, but kickin’ track with aggressive vocals. “I don’t give a fuck ‘bout them, ‘cause I am cra-zy!” Axl used to sing, “You’re crazy,” but maybe he’s somehow become even more self-centered? That’s what happens when you break up a band and then continue using its moniker when you really just mean yourself.
Track 10 – Sorry Oooh, dark and spooky. “You’d like to think that some way it’s me and not you.” Yeah, Axl’s not very well read, is he? This song’s not bad – very late 90’s, early 00’s, post-Soundgarden bluesy whatever. (Actually, it most closely resembles the supremely mediocre post-Blind Melon outfit, Unified Theory, but nobody’s heard of them – quite rightly – yet this works.) “Close your eyes, all well and good, I’ll kick your ass like I said that I would.” He really means this stuff – at least he thinks he does. This time my smile is 95% amusement-based.
Track 11 – I.R.S. Stompy track that features Axl front and center. This is the closest we’re going to get to rap-rock, but he’s definitely singing each word. “Gonna call the president. Gonna call a private eye. Gonna get the IRS. Gonna get myself the FBI.” By the way, I’m pretty sure this is a love song. 3:31 – extended wail that just blew my damn mind. This might be the best track on the album (guitar solos are top-notch on this one, too). OK, that was actually like Nickelback, but perfected. I’m as shocked as you are that I think such a concept is a good thing. No, that still doesn’t leave me with any hope for Nickelback.
Track 12 – Madagascar Horn and string arrangements are followed by electro drums and Axl sounding tender. Then we get melodramatic again, but once again it works. The second half of this disc is far superior to the first. Now there are audio clips by Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” spliced with far too many others, including the same Cool Hand Luke clip they used on Civil War. The track has degenerated to nonsense. It cannot be taken seriously (even though it’s actually a good song). Who let that idea pass the smell test? Never mind, I know who.
Track 13 – This I Love Uhhh…. sounds like a Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. “I just can’t let it die, ‘cause her heart’s just like miiiine.” Even for a vanity project, this track is far too indulgent. I foresee them playing the song as the last encore while even the die-hard fans stream for the exits.
Track 14 – Prostitute This is sounding really cheesy for a song called Prostitute. “Iiiiii saw the damage in you, my fortunate one – the ending of youth.” How perfectly unsubtle. The album ends by mellowing out into a strings-only finish. I don't expect to play these last two songs very often.
On the whole, my first blush take is that this album is surprisingly good. Because, let’s be honest, everyone thought this would be Axl’s ego just taking a dump on a record. Does it have anything to do with China or democracy? Not as far as I can tell. Most of the lyrics are horrendous, but that comes as no surprise. Will the album be a hit? There isn't much out there like this right now, and the brand name is relatively useless. I don't hear a smash single, but at the same time, a lot of people will really dig the album as a whole. Was it worth the 17 year wait? Um, sure. Is it on par with Appetite for Destruction? Of course not, but its unevenness perfectly matches that of the Illusion records. What's lacking is the rebellious persona that Axl wore so well in the past. But if a 46 year old redhead with braids in his hair tried that, would any of us take him at all seriously? In sum, Chinese Democracy is probably as good as it could possibly be.
Hanging On - Phil Rosenthal reports that so far, the removal of Richard Roeper and "friends" from the cast of "At the Movies" has led to a downturn in the show's ratings. Very much like Rosenthal, my first inclination was "serves the bastards right!" But also very much like Rosenthal, I then realized that they're actually doing pretty well. Time will tell if this dumbed-down version of the show takes hold. I'm guessing that they're in serious trouble in the long run. I've always liked Ben Mankiewicz's work on The Young Turks, if not his delivery. Ben Lyons, on the other hand, is by all accounts a dummy. We'll see if the public likes their reviews dumbed down and corporatized.
Speaking of Bens - Roger Ebert really lets Ben Stein have it over his pro-Intelligent Design "documentary." This is a long piece, but freaking hilarious.
They're Not Gonna Take It - The Trib runs down the worst holiday albums of all time. What's the best of all time? Of course, it's Fishbone's It's a Wonderful Life EP!
Big Girls Don't Cry - Scene Stealers' Latest top ten - Gigantic Women! No, Amazon Women on the Moon is not included. I think they have a no Guttenberg clause over there.
Happy winter, everyone. We're back with another slew of recommendations for you.Put these on your wish-list for Santa!
Recommender:Biz Band:Child Bite Blurb: Apparently there are still some young people out their delivering high-energy punk-influenced rock. I "discovered" this Detroit band when they opened for Tight Phantomz at a loft party space that has a a pretty humorous name which I'm not sure I can say on this respectable family-oriented blog. This was in January and one of the coldest nights of the year, as I remember nearly freezing to death walking the five blocks from the venue back to my apartment. Luckily, Child Bite was worth the frost bite. They had a frantic-spastic sound that was quirky and artistic while still maintaining a lot of groove. If you like to see a band with fantastic live energy, these are the guys! They had a saxophone among their arsenal, and I remember thinking it really added to their sound. I bought their album Gold Thriller after the show, and found it was pretty good, but it didn't capture the live energy and I missed the horn. When visiting my friend Mr. Moses in Detroit, I learned he works with some of the guys in the band and also digs their rawk. I just more recently picked up their latest album, Fantastic Gusts of Blood, which I like better than Gold Thriller and comes closer to the live energy I remember. Reminds me of: A faster, more hectic version of Devo File Under: Word to your Mothersbaugh But don't take my word for it:Child Bite at Myspace
Recommender:PMaz Band:The Golden Dogs Blurb:I will start by saying this will probably be the worst band review I end up doing for this blog. Why? Well, there's a couple reasons: 1) I have only heard one album by this band and 2) I have no idea what to say about them. The closest band I think they sound like are The Rosebuds (first album only), but does anyone else even know The Rosebuds? Interestingly, they were listed first on Allmusic as a similar artist. The review for the latest album keeps mentioning Paul McCartney, but other than the cover they do of the McCartney gem "Nineteen Hundred Eight-Five", the similarities stop there. I heard about Golden Dogs via a quote by one of the members of Sloan. I love Sloan, so they like a band, I figured I would give them a chance. But perhaps they were just plugging a fellow Canadian band. But before I go further, let me make it clear....I do like Golden Dogs. And though they sound a bit like early Sloan, I think there high energy noise pop sounds more like The New Pornographers, also employing the backup female vocal from time to time. There are a few mid-tempo pop numbers here as well. This is the second time I have reviewed a band from Canada. Maybe I should consider a move. Reminds me of: The Features, Superdrag, and a watered down Arcade Fire. File Under: Air Bud VI: Rock and Roll Over But don't take my word for it:TGD at Myspace
Recommender:Jonas Band:Mice Parade Blurb: Mice Parade could pretty much be the poster child for what the Indie/Emo “sound” is... They are guitar-centric, have soft and emotional vocals, and songs that move from sad and earnest to optimistic and bright. Although they have been around for a bit, they really came to prominence last year with their eponymous release. Mice Parade have two drum kits going, which makes their sound particularly alive and vibrant, without ever seeming overpowering. The first track, “Sneaky Red,” is an up-tempo track that instantly gets the ball rolling with banging drums and fast-paced guitars. The album then takes a 180 degree turn to tender sadness with the “Tales of Las Negras.” This is my top pick on the album, and is one of my all-time favorites, anywhere, ever. This album continues to bounce back and forth from emotional highs and lows for the remainder, with brilliant results. The only track I’m not sold on is the “Double Dolphins On A Dime” due to the presence of vocals of Mum’s lead singer, Kristín Anna Valtýsdóttir (I’m personally not a fan of her voice). So, Mice Parade comes highly recommended and is an album that I have pretty much had on my ipod since I first got it a year ago. It’s always a gratifying listen, even on its 100th play. Reminds me of: Take a pot of Pinback and add a cup of Death Cab’s Transatlanticism, stir. File Under: The Mouse that Roared Softly But don't take my word for it:Mice Parade at Myspace
Recommender:Reed Band:Chairlift Blurb: At first blush, Brooklyn's Chairlift comes across as overly mellow, almost to the point of being lackadaisically droney. But a funny thing happens upon repeat listens. You realize that they're actually making brilliant pop music, only it occupies the same space as other spaced out acts such as My Bloody Valentine or Lush (only without all the fuzz). Yet Caroline Polachek's vocals remind me a bit of Nico from The Velvet Underground. See, I'm having a hard time describing this to you because they've got a really unique thing going. Recently, the band landed a pretty sweet gig, opening for Yeasayer on a North American tour. Their debut album, Does You Inspire You, is worth a listen. Give it three spins and it is bound to win you over. (As an added bonus today, TLOBF digs Chairlift, too!) Reminds me of: Stereolab meets Suzanne Vega on ecstasy File Under: All Tomorrow's Sweeties But don't take my word for it:Chairlift at Myspace
Your City To Burn - Jim DeRogatis is in full-on nostalgia mode with the Smashing Pumpkins' (kinda) reunion tour blowing through Chicago. First, he looks back on the four biggest Chicago acts of the early 90s and laments that they're not bringing the good rawk nowadays. Jim talked about this on Sound Opinions back in August, but is bringing it up in more detail this time. Money quote:
Whatever mistakes they might make... from the perspective of the mid-'90s, it was hard to imagine the bands of the alternative moment ever becoming the artistically stilted, cash-hungry or pathetically reactionary dinosaurs that preceded them.
Sadly, the argument can be made that that's exactly what's happened.
Hey, it happens. Most bands don't age too well after four years. How many musical acts truly have legs? It's a rare thing. Going beyond Chicago and looking at the entire early-90s alternative scene, I can only name the following bands that put out anything remotely interesting post 2000: Dinosaur Jr. Fishbone (playing the Double Door on 11/22!) The Flaming Lips Nine Inch Nails Tool Radiohead
But Jim then goes one step further and pulls up four previous columns he wrote on the Smashing Pumpkins. There was a time when I would have pored over every word, but now I feel like I'm too busy. Or I don't care that much (perhaps because I live in South America and can't exactly see these shows). And today, he reviews last night's show. Sounds like it had its moments, but was far from mind-blowing. Greg Kot review is here.
Still Good Dudes - Your every-so-often update on the two main characters from Hoop Dreams. Seems like they're both doing pretty well and are, like, even older than I am. Weird.
Cleared for arrival - Stereogum checks in on Andrew Bird's progress. The new album doesn't come out until mid-January.
Somewhat Frightening - Another quiz from Mental Floss. This time it's name actresses in bad horror movies early in their careers. I think I got around 85% or so, but I can't even remember anymore.
Shaken, not good - Scene Stealers presents the Top Ten Worst Bond Movies. There have only been 23 Bond movies and the fact that they can make a top ten worst (and still receive complaints about what was omitted) tells you why Mike Myers had such a successful experience spoofing them.
Hear his train a comin' - Mitch Mitchell passed away last week at the age of 61. He and Noel Redding were often blasted as not being talented enough to share the stage with Jimi Hendrix, but one could then ask for a list of people that would meet such a standard (the list in its entirety: Stevie Wonder, James Brown). Mitchell didn't pound as hard as Keith Moon or some of his other contemporaries, but his wild, aggressive style perfectly set the table for Jimi's frenetic riffing. Yet, on the tunes that weren't trying to run you over, such as "Wait Until Tomorrow", his agile rhythms and deft approach served each song perfectly. I've been spinning nothing but Hendrix for the last week and appreciating Mitchell as much as ever. Here's Dan's unique take. But now, watch Mitch go to work:
Check that marquee again, son - From YPR, a list of ill-conceived musical double bills. They did leave out Bush / ...and you will know us by the trail of dead, but it's a pretty hilarious list. The R. Kelly one is easily my favorite. But I won't ruin it for you. Go see for yourself.
Flunking science class - This had to be hastily done. Newarama has their Top 5 Plausible Science Fiction Films. #1 is 2001: A Space Odyssey. That's an easy call and absolutely accurate. From there, the list decends in to an utter joke. #2: The Truman Show - they view it as plausible because Survivor and Big Brother exist. Um, those people signed up to be on television. You know how much the set alone would cost for The Truman Show? Let alone all the actors and everything else? Please. There's no way such a program stays on the air for 30 years. #3 Gattaca - OK, we'll give you that one. #4 Iron Man. Iron Man?!? Come on. #5 Jurassic Park. I'm willing to accept that the premise is inherently feasible, and maybe the book makes a more compelling argument, but the film is an overt exercise in fantasy. There is nothing about it even pretending to be realistic. So instead of just complaining and acting like a smartass here's my rebuttal:
A much better top 5: 1. 2001: A Space Odyssey 2. Blade Runner 3. Children of Men 4. Gattaca 5. The Abyss
Just like the phrase itself - Over at Scene Stealers, Eric provides us with his Top Ten Movie Series that have jumped the shark. Aside from picking the wrong film of the series for his #1, it's pretty spot-on.
And since we seem kinda light today, here's something that someone reminded me you should see because reading is fundamental!
Missed Him and Will Miss Him More - Ever heard of Nathaniel Mayer? I hadn't, but over at HearYa, they tell the news of his passing this week. With a rasp that would make Tom Waits blush, and fuzzy blues riffs that would do the same to the Black Keys, he's right up my alley. Check out "Lonely Man" over here, and judge for yourself.
Someone's Been Eating My Porridge - And it's the Country Bears! You may remember a few months ago, we examined the actors most devoted to their paycheck, or at least with the most egregious examples. Well, now Mental Floss gives you the chance to guess which awful movies actually featured Christopher Walken (our #2 biggest Paycheck Hound), and which did not. He's got that many duds. I scored 15/18, see if you can beat it.
Mo' Music! - Check out the newest, latest, greatest music and entertainment website, Shockhound.com. They've got loads of music for sale, reviews, t-shirts, and your own customizable community features. Definitely an interesting new endeavor.
I can't pronounce it either - Sigur Ros has a new video. It's all very film school senior project, but the song's great! Check it out at Stereogum. They also have a new Smashing Pumpkins video I couldn't manage to get to play. But you can give it a shot if you're inclined.
Speaking of Grant Park - Lollapalooza also rallied and has signed a 10-year contract. Let's hope they can get their act together in coming years and not rest on their laurels. This past summer's was easily the worst (in terms of music anyway) of the four so far.
Proudly Standing Up - Roger Ebert laces into George Bush for appointing Lee Greenwood to a six year term on the National Council of the Arts. Then he backs things off a bit and gives Mr. Greenwood some marginal credit for living a long ass time. I've said this before, but Ebert's really hitting his stride as a blogger, even if he goes too light on the snark sometimes.
This List Is Overrated - Scene Stealers list this week is the Top Ten Overrated Films of all time. As you might imagine, it's generating a lot of discussion. Gladiator, the most overrated entity on the planet, only made the honorable mention list. Just a reminder, I recently posted a Top Ten of my own over in those parts. Considerably less commentary on that one. Go leave a note if you're bored or somethin'.
It seems like three or four years ago now, but back in March, we took a look at the presidential primary race through the Dude’s sunglasses, reviewing all the quotes, incidents and worthwhile happenings. A couple months later, we compared the candidates to professional wrestlers. With the election set for Tuesday, we’d be remiss if we didn’t give this another go. And because so many moments have delved into the absurd, the movie that most aptly sums up the general election season is Stanely Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. Two warnings: this is kinda long and my photoshopping incompetence persists. Anyway, without further ado, let’s see what happened. On with the quotes! “Your Commie has no regard for human life, not even of his own. For this reason men, I want to impress upon you the need for extreme watchfulness. The enemy may come individually, or in strength. He may even appear in the form of our own troops. But however we must stop him. We must not allow him to gain entrance to this base. Now, I'm going to give you three simple rules: First, trust no one, whatever his uniform or rank, unless he is known to you personally; Second, anyone or anything that approaches within 200 yards of the perimeter is to be fired upon; Third, if in doubt, shoot first then ask questions later. I would sooner accept a few casualties through accidents rather losing the entire base and its personnel through carelessness. Any variation of these rules must come from me personally. Now, men, in conclusion, I would like to say that, in the two years it has been my privilege to be your commanding officer, I have always expected the best from you, and you have never given me anything less than that. Today, the nation is counting on us. We're not going to let them down. Good luck to you all.” – It didn’t take long once it was clear that Obama was going to sew up the Democratic nomination. The right wing immediately picked up the most extreme of Hillary Clinton’s attacks, trying to paint him as some nefarious outsider. Obama’s a Muslim. Obama’s not a real American. Obama’s a community organizer! And most recently, Obama’s a socialist. It looks like it’s not working out any better for McCain than it did for Hillary.
“I know how it is, baby. Tell you what you do: you just start your countdown, and old Bucky'll be back here before you can say ‘Blast off!’” – When Hillary Clinton began her speech at the Democratic convention, lip readers could easily note Bill’s “I love you, I love you, I love you,” presumably directed in her direction. Was it just for show like Buck Turdgidson’s efforts to placate his secretary? Only Bill knows for certain.
“He said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.” – General Ripper’s ideological, paranoid ramble used to justify the attack that really sets things in motion is oddly comparable to Mitt Romney and Rudy Giulani’s aggressive speeches at the Republican Convention. Romney especially blamed all of society’s ills on Liberals who were hell-bent on the destruction of the United States as we know it. Coming from Rudy, the pro-choice, thrice-married former mayor of New York City, it was especially ironic. “Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones. You sure you got today's codes?” – Trying to steal some of Obama’s thunder from the his big speech at the Denver convention, the following day, John McCain announced his running mate, Governor Sarah Palin. From Republicans not named Bill Kristol, the response was generally, “Wha…?” From Democrats, “You’ve gotta be kidding me. High fives all around!”
“If the pilot's good, see, I mean if he's reeeally sharp, he can barrel that baby in so low... oh you oughta see it sometime. It's a sight. A big plane like a '52... varrrooom! Its jet exhaust... frying chickens in the barnyard!” – Turdgidson’s excitement over the potential bomb run without perspective of where he was or whom he was talking to was matched by die-hard Republicans who immediately fawned over Sarah Palin after her convention speech. As time passed, they either rallied all the more or saw that the emperor had no clothes. Well, ‘cept for those clothes that cost 150 grand…
“I told you never to call me here, don't you know where I am?... Well look, baby, I c-, I can't talk to you now... my president needs me!... Of course Bucky'd rather be there with you!... Of course it isn't only physical!... I deeply respect you as a human being... Some day I'm gonna make you Mrs Buck Turgidson!... Oh, listen uh, you go back to sleep hon, and Bucky'll be back there just as soon as he can... All right... listen, sug, don't forget to say your prayers!” – Turdigson’s attempts to convince his secretary to take it easy and allay her fears are oddly reminiscent of the McCain campaign’s approach to the disgruntled Hillary Clinton supporters. Suddenly Republicans were lauding Hillary as though they’d always been huge supporters, claiming she'd been jobbed out of the nomination and going as far as nominating a woman for Vice President with the main purpose being to pick up female votes. “Well, boys, I reckon this is it - nuclear combat toe to toe with the Rooskies. Now look, boys, I ain't much of a hand at makin' speeches, but I got a pretty fair idea that something doggone important is goin' on back there. And I got a fair idea the kinda personal emotions that some of you fellas may be thinkin'. Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be human bein's if you didn't have some pretty strong personal feelin's about nuclear combat. I want you to remember one thing, the folks back home is a-countin' on you and by golly, we ain't about to let 'em down. I tell you something else, if this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it just might be, I'd say that you're all in line for some important promotions and personal citations when this thing's over with. That goes for ever' last one of you regardless of your race, color or your creed. Now let's get this thing on the hump - we got some flyin' to do.” – In efforts to pump up Sarah Palin’s foreign policy credentials, Cindy McCain went on ABC News and said, “Remember, Alaska’s the closest part of our continent to Russia.” It seemed somewhat ridiculous, but it somehow became a talking point, even coming directly from the Governor’s mouth when she spouted, “As Putin rears his head and comes into the airspace of the United States of America, where do they go? It’s Alaska.” It also led to this wonderful image from “the mind of Sarah Palin”: “Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.” – Trailing by only a bit, the McCain campaign not only decided they were going to start playing hardball, they announced to the press that they would “go nuclear” on Obama and start an all-out attack. Apparently they didn’t learn the lesson of the Democratic primary when Hillary Clinton announced the “kitchen sink” strategy. The negative campaign blitz harmed McCain even more than it did Senator Clinton.
“Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.” – Originally, this quote was assigned to the infighting that was rampant in the Clinton campaign in the second half of the democratic primary, but now we’ve seen even worse incidents coming form the republicans. McCain staffers have referred to Palin as a “diva,” claiming that she has “gone rogue.” Later, staffer Nicole Wallace was thrown under the bus for clothesgate.
“Based on the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this idea was not a practical deterrent for reasons which at this moment must be all too obvious.” – For a reason still unkown, considering the ton of the rest of the campaign, McCain chose not to go after Obama’s pastor, Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Could it be because Sarah Palin has her own preacher problems? Or perhaps they felt it would be harder to play up the Muslim storyline at the same time? Still, for all of Obama’s “questionable relationships,” this one seemed like the most obvious to utilize. The man God-damned America, for Pete’s sake!
“Well, boys, we got three engines out, we got more holes in us than a horse trader's mule, the radio is gone and we're leaking fuel and if we was flying any lower why we'd need sleigh bells on this thing... but we got one little budge on them Rooskies. At this height why they might harpoon us but they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no radar screen!” – Originally, Peter Sellers was to have four roles in the movie, but couldn’t manage to get the folksy voice down for Major T.J. “King” Kong. Instead, Slim Pickens stepped in and nailed the part. In her vice-presidential debate performance, Palin did her best Pickens impersonation. While some right wingers saw starbursts, most people wondered why she was talking like that.
“You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.” – The most absurd comment in the movie, outrage at the destruction of a vending machine’s changebox, goes to the most absurd outrage of the political campaign. When Obama talked about putting lipstick on a pig in reference to McCain’s economic plan, the Republicans stamped their feet and tried to imply that he was talking about Sarah Palin. For the most part, the public didn’t buy it.
“I think you're some kind of deviated prevert. I think General Ripper found out about your preversion, and that you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now move!” – Colonel Bat Guano is certain that Ripper and Mandrake are up to some sexy shenanigans, when reality couldn’t be farther from the truth. Well, OK, if Ripper had his way, maybe not, but regardless, the McCain camp tried to claim that Obama wanted to teach small children “comprehensive sexual education,” even though that didn’t meet with reality. It was an overreach that harmed them greatly with voters.
“Stay on the bomb run, boys! I'm gonna get them doors open if it harelips ever'body on Bear Creek!” – The plan to attack Obama as voraciously as possible was put in place immediately, and most wingnuts, particularly the crew at Fox News stayed on script. But at times a few people went too far. Most notably, Liz Trotta who joked that it would be a pretty cool thing if the man was murdered.
“Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines.” – In the primaries, once Obama’s message of “change” caught on, Hillary tried to co-opt it for her campaign. It didn’t work. The McCain group went one step farther rebranding their team as “Change You Can Believe In,” directly lifting the words from Obama’s brand, and showing the same kind of envy for the enemy Turdgidson admits to under his breath.
“Mein Führer! I can walk!” – The biggest “ooops” comment of the movie was easily surpassed by Joe Biden who began (and ended) his own presidential campaign by calling Barack Obama “clean” and “articulate”. Recent blunders also include referencing a restaurant that doesn’t exist, stating that Obama will be tested immediately in office, and talking about President Roosevelt going on Television during the Great Depression. “Hello?... Uh... Hello D- uh hello Dmitri? Listen uh uh I can't hear too well. Do you suppose you could turn the music down just a little?... Oh-ho, that's much better... yeah... huh... yes...” – The most hilarious and ridiculous phone call of the movie goes to Sarah Palin who earlier this week was pranked by a Montreal radio station. Just listen to it.
“Our source was the New York Times.” – In a portion of her disastrous Katie Couric interview, perhaps for fear of answering “incorrectly,” Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper she reads.
“Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the whole idea of this machine, you know. Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the fear to attack. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision-making process which rules out human meddling, the Doomsday machine is terrifying and simple to understand... and completely credible and convincing.” – William Ayers, the most oft-uttered talking point from the right wing, didn’t exactly instill the fear in the public that the Republicans had hoped. Perhaps we’ve become inured against such tactics after eight years of Bush/Cheney.
“Ah, oh, no... well, I don't think they wanted me to talk really. I don't think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of having a bit of fun, the swines. Strange thing is they make such bloody good cameras.” – John McCain was at his best when telling stories from the past, particularly when discussing his time in a Vietnamese prison camp. In fact, the biggest thing working against him and in favor of Obama in this campaign is that he is a storyteller. McCain loves to talk about things that have occurred already and does so with considerable charm. But at a time when most Americans are wanting to move forward, it doesn’t rally the electorate. And Obama was just better at talking about the future.
“Mandrake, have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water?” – An odd question that seems to have no place in the debate, and the fact that it implicitly references how the water gets to us means that we now get to hear from “Joe the Plumber.” “Joe” suddenly became the attention of millions of Americans thanks to McCain dropping his name at the third debate. Of course, Joe was really a Republican and really had little to say when he went on TV. But at least he held a press conference. That’s more than we can say for Mrs. Palin. Just today, "Joe" has declared Barack Obama a traitor. His presence also reminds us of this fifteen year old Onion story.
“General Turgidson! When you instituted the human reliability tests, you assured me there was no possibility of such a thing ever occurring!” “Well, I, uh, don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.” – Quite surprisingly, there have been many Republicans coming out to endorse Obama. None more notable than Chris Buckley, son of William F. Buckley. For the endorsement, Buckley was fired from the National Review, the magazine founded by his father. After towing the party line for so long, jumping ship is the ultimate taboo and a slap in the face of the system that got us to this point in history.
“If you don't put that gun away and stop this stupid nonsense, the court of Inquiry on this'll give you such a pranging, you'll be lucky if you end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet attendant.” – After gun-control issues harmed the Democrats in 2000 and 2004, they have largely tried to avoid the issue this year, and have done a decent job of it. But Obama did make a rather large blunder by claiming that some voters choose against their own self-interest because they “cling to guns and religion.” This statement harmed him both in the primaries and in the general election. Without it, his lead would be larger. “Mr. President, if I may speak freely, the Rooskie talks big, but frankly, we think he's short of know how. I mean, you just can't expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of our boys. And that's not meant as an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean, you take your average Russkie, we all know how much guts he's got. Hell, lookit look at all them them Nazis killed off and they still wouldn't quit.” – The derisive comments in a moment of otherwise civil discourse with the Russian ambassador reflect the same tone and attitude that led McCain to avoid eye contact with Obama in the first debate and call him “that one” in the second.
“Well, he just went a little funny.” – Similar to Ripper’s brain, the economy went a little funny, impacting the election greatly. McCain was in trouble already, but when the stock market crashed, it was something he had as much control over as Dimitri.
“Mr. President, we must not allow a mineshaft gap!” – The panicked reaction of the McCain campaign during the financial collapse led to a “suspension” and threats to postpone the second debate. And it does a fair job summing up their approach the whole thing. Always following Obama’s moves, playing defense the whole time, and generally trying to counter Obama’s moves rather than making their own, the mineshaft gap has been the difference in the election. If the polls are right, we’ll see the election of a new party on Tuesday. It’s obviously incredibly important, but you have to admit that this has been the most fascinating election you can recall. From start to finish, it has been hilarious, outlandish, thought-provoking and above all, passionate on all sides. America’s ready to make amends with itself, regardless of who wins on Tuesday. But you can bet on this, your grandchildren will ask you where you were, what you thought, and how it all went down. See you at the polls!
In Memoriam : Walter W. Reed
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I have made only a few mentions of my father in this and my other blogs.
Though if you look at many of the postings, you will see his comments
spread acr...
Road Games College Pick 'Em (aka Big Ten Den)
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We're just a few weeks away from kickoff, and that means a reprise of the
annual tradition of Pick 'Em. Pick the winning teams across 20 games or so
each ...
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