Friday, March 16, 2007

The Ten Worst Songs Ever

A while back, Top Ten lists were all the rage. Perhaps it was when High Fidelity was released to theaters that everyone really jumped on the craze. Not immune to social pressure, yet somewhat ahead of the curve, I made a few lists myself. Most of them were rather vapid and meaningless without much thought put into them. I certainly was not a blogger and it was more just about me organizing my thoughts. However, at some point in the year 2001, I put a little more effort into one of my lists.

When contemplating the worst songs of all time, you have to come up with some criteria. We can certainly agree that some songs are simply terrible, but they’re also rather harmless. If we all sat down and really put our heads together, I’m fairly certain that we could all agree that Rick Dees’
Disco Duck is inherently the worst song ever recorded. While it was apparently a number one hit, thankfully time passes on and we’re never going to have to deal with this song again. But there are other, nearly as terrible songs that for some reason have enough legs to haunt us to this day. At the time I referred to this aspect as “unstoppability” which sounds very much like something Joe Buck would say. All the songs below made the list partly because they’re awful and partly because they won’t go away. So, without further ado, here is what I thought and how I said it way back in 2001.

10 – Keep on Rockin’ me, Baby by The Steve Miller Band I spent an entire weekend at Michigan State and heard the “best of” no less than seven times. That did me in for life.

9 – Crocodile Rock by Elton John I have always liked Oldies, but could never figure out why this song was even written, let alone mixed in with such good music on the radio. I hearken back to the “Chef Aid” episode of South Park and the song, “Cheddar Cheese Girl”; it was meant to be a joke, but no worse than this inanity.

8 – Hey Mickey by Toni Basil The worst example of the 80s crap that will never go away until everyone who was in high school then dies.

7 – Crazy by Aerosmith This is exemplary of their album Get a Grip, which was the other CD they played in East Lansing (see #10). Never has a band fallen so drastically far. Not that they were ever the Beatles, but this garbage was just ridiculous.

6 – Pianoman by Billy Joel People who think they like music love Billy Joel. It’s like some kind of rule. If you think you’re a music fan, but actually know very little about music, then BJ is the man for you. If I never hear this damn song in a bar again, it’ll be far too soon.

5 – Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus The only thing worse than a line dance is old people doing a line dance. The only thing worst than that is old rednecks doing a line dance.

4 – Anything by Garth Brooks I can’t believe I forgot to include him initially. I think I’m going to have to go with the Dr. Pepper commercial that’s out now. It’s just so horrendous and it keeps interrupting my football games and TV shows. However, I doubt that will have the lasting presence of “Friends in Low Places”, so that would probably have to be the choice.

3 – All the songs from The Grease Soundtrack It’s hard to pick one from here. There are so many options. It’s all so horrible. I mean if guys didn’t want to hook up, this would never be allowed to exist, right? Perhaps I should use the “Mega-mix”, but then again, that might not qualify as a single song. So if I have to choose, I’ll go with that damn “Greased Lighting” nonsense.

2 – Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffet I’ve long said that out of all the concerts someone could try to drag me to, Jimmy Buffet would be the last one they’d ever convince me to see. This has to be one of the dumbest and most inane songs ever. Not to mention the fans, the fans, the fans…

1 – Y.M.C.A by The Village People It will never go away. We’ll always have to hear this song at ballgames, weddings, dances, business meetings, and wakes. You’ve got line dancing (ish), bad kitsch, and disco. What a combo!

Songs that couldn’t make the list because they surely won’t be around in five years:
Push by Matchbox 20
With Arms Wide Open by Creed
Nookie by Limp Bizkit

2007 me again here with a Springer Final Thought. Was I angry back then? Perhaps I was particularly harsh on 80s fans and Billy Joel fans. But then again, maybe they deserve it. I’m especially glad that the bands I expected to be out of the picture in five years, actually are. When’s the last time you heard anything by any of those bands? And you never will again (fingers crossed). Feel free to chime in with your “least favorites”.


PMaz said...

Now THIS brought back memories. I am glad you explained that the songs had to be a bit more than "harmless" or we would surely see bands like Slipknot on there.

I never understood your hangup with "Crocodile Rock", but I bet it's the "La, la la la la la" part. This song actually has underrated guitar, just as "Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting" has GREAT drumming.

I think the song is actually called "Rock N' Me" (#10), but I will let it slide just this once.

Couldn't agree more on "Cheeseburger in Paradise". I would love to punch everyone that says they like that song in the face.

I should make a list like this, and I can guarantee you, for no good reason, Procul Harum's "Whiter Shade of Pale" WILL BE on the list.

One last thought: There is nothing better than being at a piano bar and hearing the guy play "Piano Man". REALLY good stuff (sarcasm).

Scott H said...

You're just hoping that Arms Wide Open and Nookie won't be around in five years. I'd say pretty good odds that Arms Wide Open will still be frequently haunting many radio stations. You should just say that they haven't proved their "unstoppability" yet by demonstrating longevity.

I would put Dancing Queen or that other ABBA song I hear all of the time on this list.

That and I really like Piano man. Of course, I don't think I like music - at least above the baseline for being human.