OWR: Misery

73: Maniacal

Mort and Stephen Preview May

May is nearly upon us and it's time for Mort and Stephen to take us through the month's new movies. In case you missed it, we first checked in with the pair last month where they correctly predicted the quick demise of 88 Minutes. Once again, Mort is 87 and lives in Brooklyn with his wife, Ethel. Stephen is 26 and resides in the Ukrainian Village area of Chicago's west side.

Iron Man
IMDB Synopsis: While in captivity, industralist Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) creates a high-tech suit of armor which he first uses to fight his way to freedom, and then to prevent a dark-minded scientific genius from carrying out his nefarious plot against humankind.
Release Date: May 2
Click here for trailer


FtY: After seeing that trailer, what's your take, boys?


Mort: Nobody's called me a boy in a really long time.


Stephen: The use of Black Sabbath in the trailer is certainly an inspired one. Filter, not so much... I gotta question Robert Downey Jr. as an action hero. I mean, I totally buy in when he's playing a drug addicts. That's in his range. I'm not sure about this part for him.

Mort: This robot suit looks like something from when I was a kid. He reminds me of Gort or Robby.

Stephen: Before my time, dude, but I dig the style here, too.


FtY: So, yes or no on Iron Man?


Stephen: I gotta say yes. This look sweet.


Mort: I don't think Ethel will go with me, but I'm game.


What happens in Vegas...
IMDb Synopsis: Joy (Cameron Diaz) and Jack (Ashton Kutcher) meet while on a Las Vegas bender, where their drunken nuptials are only part of a larger problem: What to do when Jack wins $3 million with Joy's quarter, and they are forced to spend six months as wife and husband if they are to see a penny of their winnings.
Release Date: May 9
Click here for trailer

Stephen: So somebody at Fox said, "The Breakup was bad enough, but I think we can top it. Let's just do it with less star power and an even more farfetched, inane plot."

Mort: He goes to bed with a toilet seat? I've heard of some weird teddy bears or security blankets, but this? They want us to watch someone who does this?


Stephen: Or maybe they were like, "Sour Grapes meets Big Daddy - how could we lose???"

Mort: I went to Las Vegas once back when it was just a few casinos in the desert. I lost my shirt betting on red at the roulette table and had to sell my plane ticket and take the bus home. Ethel was furious. I haven't been back since.

Stephen: Seriously. This movie is all about validation of a lifestyle based solely on materialism, and anyone who plunks their cash down for something this blatantly stupid is not only feeding into that notion of materialism, they're an example of it. They will be getting what they deserve.

FtY: A rather resounding no from Stephen. Morty?


Mort: Not if you dragged me by my nostrils would I see this movie.


Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
IMDb Synopsis: Plot unknown.
Release Date: May 23
Click here for trailer




Stephen: Look, we all know that Spielberg has lost his touch. This preview looks ridiculously campy and silly. The sets look way too modern to seem realistic, and they have to show us scenes from the previous three movies instead of anything useful from this one. Plus, "plot unknown" kinda scares me a bit.

Mort: Well...


Stephen: Shia LaBeouf has already worn out his welcome in my opinion.


Mort: But Stephen...


Stephen: What's up with Cate Blanchett's hair? Is she trying to look like Boof from Teen Wolf or that boyish girl who hooks up with the girlish boy in Real Genius?

Mort: Stephen. It's Indiana Jones. You're going to go see it, right? Even I'm not so out of the loop to miss this one.

Stephen: Yeah. Opening night, probably.


Sex and the City: The Movie
IMDb Synopsis: Set four years after we last saw the ladies, Carrie (Parker), Samantha (Cattrall), Miranda (Nixon), and Charlotte (Davis) negotiate their friendships, romances, and careers in New York City. At the center of it all is Carrie's pending nuptials to Mr. Big (Noth).
Release Date: May 30
Click here for trailer

Mort: I have sex in the city once a week!


FtY: Little more info than we needed there, Morty.


Stephen: I'm not really sure where to begin with this. Lets start by asking why they need "The Movie" in the title. Does anyone not know that if they pay ten bucks to go into a movie theater that it's a movie, not an episode of the TV Show?

FtY: Is it that big a deal to you?


Stephen: No, not really. What is a big deal is that this looks like one really bloated episode of TLC's "A Wedding Story". Woop-de-doo, they have to bicker about which flower arrangements they want. Who cares? This is so obviously just an excuse to make a quick buck and put a bunch of TV actresses on the big screen before they hit the wall.

FtY: Ouch.


Mort: Ethel makes me watch this show sometimes. It's not bad. These are all sexy ladies, and it's pretty funny. But watching it on TV and going out to the theaters are two different things. If Ethel wants to see this one, she can go with her yenta friends.

Stephen: Plus, they gave away pretty much the whole plot in that trailer. This may be a bigger disaster for Parker than Failure to Launch. Thank goodness I don't have a girlfriend right now or I'd have to weasel my way out of this one.

FtY: I always pegged you for an obstinate boyfriend anyway. No?


Stephen: Yeah, but when it comes to Sex and the City, women can be pretty singleminded, dontcha think?

So there you have it. Morty and Stephen will be back next month to preview June which will include such high profile releases as The Incredible Hulk, Get Smart, and You Don't Mess with the Zohan.

OWR: I Am Legend

55: Haphazard

OWR: American Hardcore

60: Nostalgic

Thursday Youtube - Tom Waits edition

Spinner recently gave folks a first listen to Scarlett Johansson covering Tom Waits' "Falling Down." Unsurprisingly, her version is nowhere near up to par compared to his original. It kind of sounds like Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U." I don't mean that in a good way. Perhaps it's unfair to compare them, but she chose the tune. Unfortunately, there's no Youtube available for the only studio track from Waits' 1988 album Big Time. Go steal it off the internet if you've never heard the classic. That got me craving more Waits tracks, so today I give you videos for two of his most atmospheric songs. Please to be enjoying!

OWR: The Aviator

63: Fluttered

Unyielding Commissioning Is Bored and Not Bored

NIN has a new track released via the internet. This time with vocals! The song is called "Discipline", and I have no idea if it's going to be released on anything beyond this youtube.



Whaddya think? Frankly, I'm kinda bored by it. But maybe after a few more listens it'll improve. So here's the new Mates of State video. Not boring in any way and pretty damn awesome:


Roger, Roger - Roger Ebert has finally started his own blog. Generally, his website features his movie reviews, Q&A with "The Movie Answerman", and the occasional Great Movie or Op-Ed piece. But this will give Ebert the option of breaking free of his normal structure and spout off on whatever he feels like covering. So far, it's been Arthur C. Clarke and an update on his unfortunate recent health matters. Welcome to the 'sphere, Roger, and we wish you a speedy recovery! (HT: TMB)

Free Bird! - Sorry, couldn't resist that one. Andrew Bird is playing a free concert at Pritzker Pavilion on September 3rd. Death Cab for Cutie is charging 45 bucks for the seats (though the lawn is only 10). Consider this a good deal. I'd say you should sign up to get your seats right away, but it's general admission. So just show up on Wednesday the 3rd. Major Kudos to Bird for doing this. He's a true Chicago patriot. Take that to mean what you will, but go to the show either way.

The 2008 Presidential Candidates as Professional Wrestlers

I'm pretty sure someone else must've done this already. But in light of recent events, I decided to throw my hat into the ring as well, so to speak. So, without further ado, and without any explanation of the choices, I give you the 2008 Presidential Candidates (and other relevant characters) as Professional Wrestlers:

Mike Gravel = George "The Animal" Steele











Joe Biden = "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan











Karl Rove = Bobby "The Brain" Heenan











Fred Thompson = Koko B. Ware










Bill Clinton = Junkyard Dog











Rudy Giuliani = Jesse "The Body" Ventura











Bill Richardson = Captain Lou Albano











Dennis Kucinich = "The Genius" Lanny Poffo










Ron Paul = Dusty Rhodes











Mitt Romney = Ted Dibiase











John Edwards = Ric Flair











Mike Huckabee = The Honky Tonk Man











John McCain = Sgt. Slaughter










Hillary Clinton = "Rowdy" Roddy Piper











Barack Obama = Macho Man Randy Savage

Come on Pennsylvania. Enough is enough. Put us out of our misery already and pin someone!